


To You, From Me

by 70sBabe



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Literati, but not a lot, cute shit, disregarding A Year In The Life, justice for jess mariano, maybe a lil angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 14:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12961053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/70sBabe/pseuds/70sBabe
Summary: the notes that Rory and Jess have left for each other over the years (some intentional, some not)





	1. DUMP HIM

_ DUMP HIM _

Rory glared at her window, wishing she could shoot laser beams out of her eyes.  _ Some _ one had taken their finger and dragged it across the frost on her bedroom window, spelling out DUMP HIM in an untidy scrawl.  _ Some _ one was really testing her patience.  _ Some _ one was gonna get his butt kicked.

Jess Mariano had been a thorn in her side practically since he’d stepped off that bus. Rory had tried to befriend him, she really had! He was just….rude. Abrasive. Determined to get under people’s skin. He had been pestering her for weeks to dump Dean, her wonderful, amazing boyfriend. Dean didn’t steal anything that wasn’t nailed down. Dean was nice to her mom. Dean was pleasant to be around. Everything that Jess wasn’t, wrapped up in one taller-than-average teenage boy. Rory loved him, she really did. But, more and more, she found herself thinking about Jess. About what it would be like to kiss him. About how nice it would be to date someone who read the way she did, someone who really  _ got _ the way her brain worked. Because that was the thing about Jess: terrible as he was, he understood Rory in ways that she didn’t even understand herself. Weird, huh?

“Kid, you coming or what?” Lorelai, her wonderful scatterbrain of a mother, yelled from the living room. “If we wait any longer, Luke will think something terrible happened to us in the night!” Rory could hear her mom’s voice getting closer and closer. “Like murder!” Lorelai exclaimed, appearing in her doorway. “Ooh, or an alien invasion!” her eyes widened excitedly.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming!” Rory grinned, shrugging on her coat. “Aliens, huh?”

“I think the aliens could learn a lot by studying my brain.”

“Yeah, about every pop culture fad of the 80s.”

“Hey, that’s important stuff! You think the aliens are gonna invade  _ before _ they know all the words to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go?”

“You’re right. The only way they could lull us into submission would be with the dulcet tones of George Michael and….the other guy from Wham.”

“I feel so bad for that guy, everyone forgets his name.”

They continued to ruminate on aliens and 80s supergroups as they walked to Luke’s. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground and Stars Hollow looked just like a Christmas card.

Lorelia wrenched open the door to the diner, yelling to Luke before she was even fully in the door.

“Coffee, please, before our alien overlords come to enslave us all!”

Luke, as always, was standing behind the counter, his expression a healthy mix between “bemused” and “exasperated.”

“Just sit down,” he waved his hand at them, already grabbing the coffee pot and two cups. Rory smiled, following her mother to their usual table in the back, right next to the big picture window.

“Do you think one day he’s gonna tire of my sparkling wit and eccentric one-liners?” Lorelia wiggled her eyebrows.

“I think the only reason Luke still lets you in the building is because he knows it’s the only way I’ll get a nutritious meal.”

“She’s right,” Luke interjected, setting their coffee on the table. Lorelai opened her mouth to respond, when her phone rang. “Outside,” Luke pointed.

“Alright, alright,” Lorelai rolled her eyes and shoved her chair back. “Sheesh, you come to a restaurant as a paying customer, you expect to get treated with a little respect!”

Rory snickered as Luke practically shoved Lorelai out the door. She started to drink her coffee, staring out the window at the familiar faces going by, when  _ some _ one interrupted her peaceful Saturday morning.

“Snowy, huh?”

And there he was: dark t-shirt and flannel, hole in the knee of his jeans, and hair that looked like he’d stuck a fork in an electrical socket: Jess Mariano, in the flesh. His trademark smirk was already creeping onto his face and Rory hadn’t even said anything yet. He was  _ maddening _ .

“Yeah, that usually happens in December,” Rory rolled her eyes, turning to look out the window again.

“Frost on all the windows,” Jess continued, plopping himself down in the seat that Lorelai had vacated. “It’s just so...picturesquely puke-worthy, am I right?”

“If you think it’s so dumb, then why did you use it to write a creepy message in serial-killer handwriting on my window?” Rory hissed, turning her gaze on him and his stupid smirk.  _ I REALLY wish I had laser beam eyes right now. _

“What?” Jess’ mouth popped open in faux-surprise. “Me? I would  _ never _ -

“Jess, get up and bus tables,” Luke called. “You work here, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Jess yelled back, exasperatedly running a hand through his hair. He stood up, then turned to look back at Rory, a satisfied grin on his face. “You really should dump him, though.”

Rory’s mouth snapped open, ready to berate him, but he was already halfway across the diner before she could think of a suitable burn.

“Alright, I’m back,” Lorelai dropped into the chair that Jess had been sitting in. “Back to the impending alien invasion thing….”

Rory tuned her mom out, her eyes following Jess as he grabbed plates and argued with Luke. He was so…..so….so annoying! I mean, he was outside her window! Probably while she slept! And he wrote some creepy message on her window!  _ He’s lucky I’m not going to the police! _

At that moment, Jess caught her staring. He didn’t just smirk this time; no, his face split into a full-on smile. And, as infuriated with him as Rory was, she couldn’t help it: her heart started beating faster.  _ Jess Mariano is the WORST. _


	2. is this how it's supposed to be? all or nothing?

_ is this how it’s supposed to be? all or nothing?  _

Jess squinted at the handwritten words crammed into the margins of  _ Wuthering Heights _ . He had borrowed it from Rory Gilmore, perfect poster child for Stars Hollow and, strangely enough, the one girl he had ever seemed to develop real feelings for. Didn’t matter that she had a boyfriend. Didn’t matter that, for all intents and purposes, she seemed to hate his guts. He knew that, somewhere deep in that big brain of hers, she cared about him. If she didn’t, then why did she let him borrow her books, huh?

He figured the handwriting was hers. It was strange, though; she didn’t seem like the type to annotate her books. When he had swiped her copy of  _ Howl _ and returned it with some notes of his own, Rory had acted like she’d never seen someone write in a book.  _ Maybe I’m rubbing off on her _ .

He squinted again, trying to figure out what line had inspired this little introspective tidbit from Rory.  _ Geez, she needs to make it easier for me to snoop on her psyche _ . Finally, he connected the dots and found the line.

“ _ He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same _ .”

Jess distractedly ran a hand through his hair.  _ Huh….well, this makes things interesting _ . He could feel a small smile creeping onto his face.

Jess had never expected to meet someone like Rory Gilmore in Stars Hollow. Hell, he’d never expected to meet someone like Rory Gilmore in his whole life. She was….different. Jess had never met someone who read the way he did, like it was an essential part of life, as important as breathing. But it wasn’t just that. Sure, they liked some of the same bands and the same movies, but they disagreed just as often as they agreed. Arguing with Rory was different than arguing with the rest of the world; Jess didn’t care if he won or lost, he just wanted to hear her talk. He was interested and intrigued by her in a way that he hadn’t thought was possible.

When he first saw her, first felt that little spark, he figured the feeling ran both ways. That’s how it usually worked in those dumb romantic comedies his mom always used to watch. So imagine his surprise when Rory didn’t immediately dump her rocks-for-brains boyfriend in favor of Jess. I mean, Dean was a total meathead! He didn’t read books, he listened to, like,  _ Nickleback _ ; he was wrong for Rory in just about every conceivable way.

Jess put his finger under the line Rory had liked so much, running it across the page as he reread the quote.  _ Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same _ . Sounded like a certain perfect princess and a certain ne’er-do-well, right?

He closed the book, done with reading for now. He had too much going through his mind.

A few hours later, halfway through yet another shift working in the crap-tastic diner that he now lived above (alright, it wasn’t really that crap-tastic, but Jess liked to complain, okay?), Rory and her insane mom walked in.

“But I wanna sit and people-watch and make fun of everyone!” Lorelai was pouting, her lower lip sticking out.

“Mom, I have a  _ huge _ chemistry test tomorrow,” Rory said earnestly. “I don’t have time to sit around and ridicule our neighbors with you.”

Lorelai started booing loudly, which made Luke come over and yell at her to stop bothering his customers. Rory stepped up to the counter, the smile leaving her face when she was met with Jess.

“You Gilmores cause quite the ruckus, you know that?” he grinned.

“Can I get two burgers, two fries, and two-”

“Coffees to go,” Jess finished for her. “I know the drill.” Rory gave him a small smile, which Jess took as license to prolong the conversation. “So,” he casually said as he counted out her change. “I’m about halfway through  _ Wuthering Heights _ .”

“Oh, do you love it?” Rory’s eyes lit up, just like he knew they would. “Wait, knowing you, you probably hate it.” Her mouth set in a firm line, but Jess knew she was gearing up for the argument that she assumed was inevitable.

“No, no, I really like it,” he assured her. “Every character is a terrible person and all they do is ruin each other’s lives; it’s great.”

“Oh my God, I know, right?” Rory laughed. “Like, there’s not a single redeemable person in the whole book!”

“The relationship between Cathy and Heathcliff is….” Jess trailed off, trying to figure out how to present his new topic of conversation in the best light. “Interesting. I mean, they’re perfect for each other, but they just can’t seem to get together. Too much in the way.” He shrugged, leaning his elbows on the counter. “What was it Cathy said? ‘Whatever our souls are made of….’”

“‘.....his and mine are the same.’” Rory finished quietly. She was looking at him quizzically.

“What an interesting view of love, huh?” He shrugged. “I mean, is that how it’s supposed to be? All or nothing?”

Rory’s face paled as she realized that he was quoting her. Jess kep his face impassive, praying that one of his trademark shit-eating grins wouldn’t appear.

“Uh, yeah,” she shrugged, trying to play it cool, as if maybe it was just a coincidence that Jess had just quoted her verbatim.  _ Yeah, right _ . “I don’t know.”

“Well, you and Dean are  _ so _ in love,” Jess widened his eyes theatrically. “I thought you might have some insights on the subject.”

“Dean and I are not Cathy and Heathcliff,” Rory said hotly.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jess stood up straight, then grinned wickedly. “He’s Edgar.”

Rory’s jaw dropped, already ready to fight to the death over fictional characters, when Caesar shoved her order through the takeout window.

“Enjoy your meal,” Jess winked, pressing the paper bag into her arms.

“Wha….you….I…..” Rory was sputtering, torn between ripping him a new one or responding courteously to his polite conversation-ender. “I will, thanks!” She finally said and, though the words were pleasant, her tone was angry and exasperated. Jess wiggled his fingers in a sarcastic wave goodbye, chuckling as Rory hurried over to Lorelai, tugging her out of the diner.

Some people would say that, if you wanted to get a girl to like you, you probably shouldn’t irritate her at every turn. Jess disagreed, especially when it came to Rory Gilmore. Rory was painfully pleasant to everyone she met; how was a guy to know if she was being nice because she had certain feelings for him, or just because she was a nice girl? Jess figured that Rory’s exasperation could only mean that she had  _ some _ sort of feelings for him: why else would she let him get under her skin so easily? And as for all the jabs he threw Dean’s way? Do you think Rory would get so hot and bothered about them if there wasn’t even the  _ slightest _ bit of truth to them?

Jess knew he was a punk, a jerk, a troublemaker. But every conversation with Rory made him think that maybe there could be more to him than what everyone else saw. He didn’t plan on giving up that feeling anytime soon.


	3. had to leave i'm sorry

_ had to leave i’m sorry _

Jess stared hard at the scrap of paper in front of him. He had scribbled down this message, hoping that it might convey what he was feeling. Of course, it wouldn’t, and he knew that. But what could he do? He screwed up big this time and, for once, he felt remorse.

He hadn’t meant to wreck the car. He would have never done anything to hurt Rory. It was an accident, alright? But try telling that to Lorelai Gilmore. Hell, try telling it to anyone in Stars Hollow. He knew they’d all blame him for hurting their perfect princess, even though Rory had assured him over and over that she wasn’t really hurt. That almost made it worse; Rory, clutching her wrist and biting her lip, pain shining in her big blue eyes as she kept telling him she was “okay, really, I’m okay!”

He shouldn’t have left her at the hospital. He knew that as soon as he walked out the door. But he didn’t know what else to do! He thought that tonight would be his big chance to make Rory see that he could be an option for her, that they could be  _ something _ together. Totaling her car was not part of the plan.

Jess left when things got hard. He came from a long line of deserters. When the going got tough, the Marianos got gone. He couldn’t stand to sit there in the ER with Rory as they waited for her mom to show up and rip him a new one. He couldn’t fathom walking around Stars Hollow, feeling the glares of the townspeople on him and know that, at least this time, he kinda deserves it. So he split.

He was sitting on the bridge now, his favorite place to go in this whack-job town, staring down at the scrap of paper he had planned on taping to her window.  _ had to leave i’m sorry _ . Pathetic, right? Not only did he leave her in the freakin’ ER, he was planning on skipping town tonight. He had to go back to New York, had to go back to crowded streets with unfamiliar faces, to a place that (hopefully) wouldn’t remind him of her. He wanted to leave a note, but this? This was just insulting. He crumpled the paper up in his hand and impulsively hurled it into the pond. What did it matter anyway? No note could make up for him leaving without a word.

Jess pulled his cigarette carton out of his jacket pocket, pulling one out and lighting it, his hands shaking slightly. He had tried to stop, he really had, but he needed it tonight. He blew a cloud of smoke over the water, wondering what he was gonna say to Luke, how he was gonna explain his sudden departure. He blew out more smoke, trying to steady his nerves.

Suddenly, he heard slow, heavy footsteps coming along the bridge towards him. Somehow, he just knew it was Luke.  _ Well, now I don’t have to explain why I’m leaving _ . He brought the cigarette back up to his mouth.

Without even looking up, he said evenly, “I made sure she was okay.” His voice wobbled a little on that last word. He could still feel his hands shaking. He was waiting for Luke to freak out, to start yelling about how irresponsible he was, how he could have really hurt someone.

“I know you did,” Luke said quietly. Jess was surprised, but he didn’t show it. He just kept taking drags off his cigarette, hoping that the nicotine would eventually calm him down. Luke sat down next to him, thankfully not saying anything.

Jess could still see the crumpled up piece of paper floating away from him.  _ had to leave i’m sorry _ . He regretted throwing the note away now; at least a crappy explanation was better than none at all.


	4. Dear Jess.....

_ Dear Jess…. _

Rory found herself in the same place she had been for the past few weeks: staring at a mostly-blank piece of notebook paper.  _ Dear Jess….how are you? Ugh, no, too casual. Should I start with a joke? God, why is this so hard?  _ Rory chewed on the end of her pencil, letting her eyes unfocus, the paper in front of her becoming a blur.

She had been in DC pretty much the whole summer. It was amazing and insanely cool and it kept Rory’s mind occupied. But at the end of the day, when she was back in the room she shared with Paris, alone with her thoughts….she kept coming back to Jess. She had kissed him. She, Rory Gilmore, had kissed Jess Mariano. She had a boyfriend, for God’s sake! What was she doing, running around, kissing boys who smoked cigarettes and skipped class? It wasn’t like her, even she could see that.

Jess was….a puzzle. Rory had always loved puzzles, loved trying her hardest to figure out a pattern in the chaos and following it until she ended up with something whole, something wonderful. Maybe that was what she saw in Jess: someone that, with a little unraveling, could be so much more than what he was now.

Rory still couldn’t say why she’d kissed him that day on the lawn of the Independence Inn. There she had been, trying to do whatever she could to get Sookie’s wedding running smoothly, and suddenly….he was there. Standing by the lake, smiling at her in that familiar way, as if it was the most natural thing in the world that he should be here right now.

She kissed him. She knew she shouldn’t have, but she did. Maybe she’d been hoping that it would answer the dozens of questions that she had about what he meant to her, but all it did was make her more confused. As much as she loved Stars Hollow, Rory had been glad to escape, to go somewhere new. She had thought maybe she could get everything all straightened out by the time summer was over. Yet here she was, staring at the words she’d written her first night in DC:  _ Dear Jess _ ….

She had tried to write him a dozen letters, but every time she tried to set her pencil to paper, it was like she froze. She couldn’t do it. It was maddening. She wrote letters to Dean, detailing her days and saying vague things about how glad she would be to see him when she got home. She had thought about writing Jess a letter like the ones she wrote Dean, but Rory knew it wouldn’t be right. It just wouldn’t! She tried to think of funny things about her day to tell him, or her opinions on the books she had read. She considered just sending him a note that said “Don’t tell anyone we kissed or you’ll regret it” and leaving it at that, but Rory had a feeling that a note like that would just spur him into blabbing the news all over town.

“Dear Jess,” she muttered aloud, hoping she could come up with  _ something _ .

“God, you’re still on this?” Paris’ blaring voice cut through the relative silence of their room. “We go home next week, I think it’s a little late for letters.”

“I know, I know,” Rory sighed, putting her head down on her desk in defeat. “I just feel like….like if I can write him this letter, even if I never send it or anything….if I write this letter, I’ll figure everything out, you know?” She raised her head to meet Paris’ eyes.

“No, I don’t,” Paris said, looking at her blankly. “But it’s your business, so I suppose you know what you’re doing.”

Rory groaned in response, putting her head back on the desk. “You’re really no help, you know that?” Paris fired back with some quip about how she wasn’t Rory’s personal Dear Abby, and how she should concentrate on her work, but Rory was tuning her out.

_Why can’t I do this?_ she screwed her eyes shut tightly, trying to force the right thought to swim up to the surface. _What am I afraid of telling him?_ _What am I afraid of telling myself?_

Rory lifter her head off her desk, staring determinedly at the blank paper before her.  _ Okay, I can do this! I’m gonna do this. I’ll write him this stupid letter even if it kills me _ .

Dear Jess….


	5. this is what you wanted, right?

_ this is what you wanted, right? _

 

Rory’s face felt hot and she was glad that she was alone in her room. She didn’t know how she would explain her feelings to anyone else. She didn’t even know how to explain them to herself! She was mixed up and nothing seemed to make sense anymore. 

The note was written on a torn-off scrap of notebook paper and, when she flipped it over, she saw a fragment of half-hearted notes on some of the themes discussed in the Odyssey. She knew who had written it, knew who this untidy scrawl belonged to. It had been tucked between the pages of her copy of  _ High Fidelity _ , unnoticed until she had gotten home from the diner and opened it once more. She knew exactly when he had done it, too; she had gotten up to use the bathroom, leaving her things at the counter like she always did. He must have taken the opportunity to slip her this stupid reminder.

Rory had returned from DC, ready to figure out her life (and the boys in it). To her surprise, it had all been figured out for her: Jess was dating some blonde bimbo named Shane. Well, “dating” wasn’t the right term….more like, Jess was shoving his tongue down some blonde bimbo named Shane’s throat. Everywhere she turned, there they were, swapping spit like it was an Olympic sport. The choice wasn’t hers to make anymore; hell, there was no choice to make! So, she stepped back into Dean’s arms and tried to banish any doubts about if this was what was really right.

She knew Jess was  _ loving _ this, revelling in the sheer spitefulness of the whole situation. He could be kind of awful that way, but Rory could relate to some of his more destructive tendencies. She had come to the realization that, if she followed every instinct and didn’t give any thought to courtesy or consequences, she would act a little like Jess. It would be kinda fun, at least for a little bit.

That’s why she was so confused about this note. Was this him breaking first? Was he really admitting defeat? Or was it simply another way to rub salt into the wound?

“Ugh!” Rory exclaimed, falling back onto her bed.  _ Why are boys so complicated? Why is love so complicated? Why can’t we all just know when we’re in love, and know who we love, and everything works out fine?  _ She looked back at the piece of paper.  _ Is he being sarcastic, or is he actually inquiring about what I want? Probably a little of both….emphasis on the sarcasm _ .

Rory sat up suddenly, hoping the rush of blood to her head would help her see this problem differently. She had spent the summer thinking about Dean and Jess and what she had in common with each of them….and what she didn’t.

On paper, she and Dean were….well, not exactly perfect for each other. He was a jock who loved cars and motors and all of that mechanical stuff that made Rory’s head spin. He tried to keep up with her reading, leafing through Melville and Kerouac with a furrowed brow, but it wasn’t the same as it was with Jess. But he was sweet and he was kind and, based on everything Rory had seen on TV, he acted the way a perfect boyfriend should.

Jess was another case of an imperfect match. He was rude and he hated Stars Hollow. He rubbed her mom the wrong way, he had a perpetual case of kleptomania, and everyone in town agreed that he was a bad seed. But he was smarter than they all knew and Rory was sure that, somewhere deep down, he had a kind heart. Between his wisecracks and taunts, Jess would help her out with problems or give a needed piece of advice. The quick turnaround gave Rory whiplash, but it also showed her the kindness that Jess was capable of. When they talked (like,  _ really _ talked, instead of trading insults) Rory felt like he knew her better than anyone….except for her mom, of course. It wasn’t just the books and music and movies; it was the way he could know exactly what she was feeling or thinking, sometimes before  _ she _ even knew herself.

Rory kept looking at the scrap of paper, wishing it would just disappear. Wishing every feeling she had for Jess would disappear. She found herself getting angrier and angrier, her frustration with Jess mounting by the minute. Before she had fully realized what she was doing, Rory was up and out the door, walking quickly down the road towards Luke’s.  _ “this is what you wanted, right?” God, what a jerk! Thinks he can just write me some dumb note on the back of his English homework and I’ll fall into his arms, huh? Why can’t he just leave me alone? _

Rory swung open the diner door, standing in the doorway and scanning the place for Jess. He was wiping off mugs and setting them on the shelf behind the counter and talking to Luke. Rory could tell from the look in his eye that he was driving Luke crazy and loving it. Suddenly, his eyes met hers. He smiled and it was a  _ nice _ smile; not the snarky one he constantly wore. Rory almost forgot why she was mad, or why she had stormed over here in the first place. But she felt the crumpled piece of paper in her hand and all of the frustration came rushing back to her. She marched up to the counter and slapped the note down on the counter.

“Whoa, what’s got your panties in a twist?” Jess raised his eyebrows and, in a flash, the nice smile was gone. Rory shot him a withering look and shoved the paper towards him.

“Leave me alone, okay?” she wanted to say her piece before Jess inevitably turned the conversation around and around until she didn’t even know what they were talking about anymore. He was good at that. “I’m happy with Dean, I  _ love _ Dean, and I don’t wanna date you! You have Shane, so why are you slipping me stupid notes and trying to make me change my mind?” Rory could feel her face getting red and she prayed that no one else in the diner was listening.

“Who said anything about changing your mind?” Jess was defensive now, a spark of anger in his voice.

“‘This is what you wanted, right?’” Rory gestured to the paper  on the counter between them. “Yeah, in fact, this  _ is _ what I want. Is it what  _ you _ want?”

“Yeah, it is!” Jess said hotly, leaning towards her over the counter.

“Good!” Rory exclaimed.

“Good!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

And with that, Rory turned on her heel and stormed out of the diner. Neither of them knew when to quit and Rory knew that, if she hadn’t left, they would have been there all day.  _ God, he is insufferable! _

The next time Rory saw Jess, he was making out with Shane against the gazebo. That same hot, bright-red feeling of jealousy came over her, just like it always did. And for once, Rory allowed herself to give in to the thoughts that had been floating around the periphery of her brain, thoughts that she had been furiously trying to keep at bay.

_ There’s no way he’s actually enjoying himself with her. They have nothing in common, no chemistry, no spark! He should be kissing _ me  _ like that, _ I  _ should be the one holding his hand. _

Rory quickly shook these intrusive thoughts away.  _ Okay, so there’s a reason why I stop myself from letting my thoughts run rampant _ . But as she continued on her way to Lane’s house, she couldn’t get rid of the tiny voice inside her saying “this is exactly how Jess felt.”


	6. Do your math homework and I'll let you pick the movie tonight!

_Do your math homework and I’ll let you pick the movie tonight!_

 

Jess lifted the yellow sticky note off his textbook, chuckling at Rory’s handwriting. He liked to tease her about it, telling her that it was too neat, too elementary-school-teacher. It looked like a font option on a computer, not something that actually came from a real human’s hand. She would get exasperated and flustered as she tried to defend herself, but then he would kiss her and everything would be (dare he say it) just fine.

His relationship with Rory had started with all the fire and brimstone you would have expected from them; Dean broke up with Rory in the most public of situations, leaving her crying in the middle of the high school gym. Jess had been one of the horrified onlookers. I mean, sure: he had wanted one of them to dump the other, but Dean dumping Rory? It was the most unlikeliest of outcomes. And to do it at the dance marathon, with everyone in this godforsaken town in attendance? Brutal.

And to the surprise of everyone else, including himself, Jess was there to pick up the pieces. Yeah, this is what he’d been scheming towards for, like, months, but that didn’t mean he liked seeing Rory’s relationship crash and burn. He remembered finding her on the bridge, trying to make her feel better with the few words he could manage to string together. He still winced when he thought about how he had stayed silent when she said Dean was right about everything. It was like, even after everything he had done to get to this point, he was afraid to show his hand, to put it all out on the table. But after all the tears and the drama and Lorelai’s subdued hysterics, they were together. And they were as great as Jess had always known they would be. Finally, he had someone who he could really be himself around, someone who would watch dumb movies with him and listen to him wax poetic about whatever book he was reading that week. Someone who made him want to be better. A few weeks back, he had made an A on his biology quiz, the first A he had made in….well, a long time. He had been surprised at how good it felt, and how excited he was to show Rory. Hell, _she_ was so enthusiastic, Jess thought she was gonna hang it on her fridge.

He had dated girls before Rory, most of them during that weird period of adolescence where you feel like an adult, but you look like you’re twelve. He had taken girls to movies and made out with girls behind bleachers; he knew what the gist of it all was. But with Rory? It was different….different in a good way. He didn’t feel like he _had_ to do anything, you know? He wanted to do whatever dumb, Stars Hollow activity she wanted to do, and if he didn’t, he would do it anyway just to see her smile.

He brought his attention back to the note. No one wanted Jess to graduate from high school more than Luke, but Rory sure was giving him a run for his money. _Guess this is her new incentive, huh?_ He and Rory spent a lot of time at her house or at the apartment he shared with Luke. They watched movies or TV or sometimes they would just sit and read together, but Thursday night was official movie night for the two of them. Jess had always thought that he and Rory had the same taste in most forms of entertainment, but once they started dating, he found out something horrifying: Rory liked bad movies.

Now, it wasn’t like she couldn’t appreciate a good Oscar-winner or indie arthouse film; she could discuss movies like that for hours, like she thought she was gonna be tested on it or something. But she loved to watch terrible movies. She knew they were terrible and, as she had tried to explain to Jess many times, “that’s the fun of it!” Rory and Lorelai loved to watch bad movies and just make fun of them the whole time and Rory was eager to indoctrinate him into the practice.

“Just go along with it,” Luke had rolled his eyes when Jess had complained to him about it. “I tried to get Lorelai to explain it, but it wasn’t worth the trouble. Just sit down, shut up, and don’t ask them to explain any of their little inside jokes.”

Jess took his advice, but he still fought Rory on movie choices and it looked like this was her new way of getting him to do his homework, thus ensuring him a diploma at the end of the year.

He slumped down at the kitchen table, reluctantly opening his math book and thumbing through to the right page. _Okay, number one. If x equals 7, then 28x-4/6=?_ Jess quickly got lost in the numbers and variables, but he happily put his pencil down when he heard the phone ring.

“Jess and Luke’s bachelor pad, how may I help you?” He liked to answer the phone like that, or some variation of that, because it made that little vein on Luke’s forehead pop out. For someone who ate super healthy, Luke always seemed on the verge of a stress heart attack.

“You done yet?” he smiled when he recognized Rory’s voice on the other end of the line.

“Two problems left,” he leaned back in his chair. “So it looks like we’re watching _Lost in Translation_ tonight.”

“Wow, really? I thought you were gonna go for something a little more….” Rory trailed off and Jess could practically see her laying across her bed, nose scrunched up as she searched for the perfect word. “....obscure? Gritty? Filled with angst?”

“You know, that’s just about how I would describe my childhood” Jess deadpanned. There was a short pause and Jess silently cursed himself for bringing his “issues” into things again. He knew that Rory, much as she wanted to be apart of his life, still got uncomfortable when he made flippant remarks about his rough upbringing. Sure, she was raised in a single-parent household, too, but in place of a dad, she had the whole town of Stars Hollow filling in.

He cleared his throat. “Uh, anyways, your place or mine?”

“Mine, because we Gilmores have superior snack food.” Rory seemed relieved to be back on safe ground. “Last time we did it at your house, Luke kept interrupting to make sure we weren’t making out and the only food you offered me was a box of Froot Loops. You know, maybe I should take you to my grandparents’ house,” Jess could hear her barely-suppressed giggle. “Emily Gilmore loves a good etiquette project.”

“I’d rather open a vein,” Jess groaned. “So, I’ll see you in a bit?”

“Bring your math homework with you so I know that you actually did it!”

“Wow, Gilmore, that’s low,” Jess feigned injury. “I mean, you don’t trust that I would just do my math homework? That hurts, it really does.”

“Yeah, I just can’t seem to shake that wicked streak I have,” Rory laughed. “I’ll see you in a few!” Jess heard the click of the line going dead. He set the phone down and turned back to his notebook.

For the first time in his life, he wanted to make someone proud.


	7. i wish i was better. i should've been better for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this chapter got a lot longer than I expected but I started writing and couldn't stop so this is what you get lol. I'm gonna start diverging from the canon here, so just a heads up about that! Thanks for reading :)

_ i wish i was better. i should’ve been better for you. _

 

Sometimes Jess felt like all he ever said was “I’m sorry”. He threw that phrase around like an old football, but the more he used it, the less it seemed to mean to people. 

“I’m sorry!” he would groan to Rory, grabbing her arm to stop her from storming out of the diner after he went a little too far, said a joke that was just a little too much.

“I’m sorry,” he would say quietly, staring into her eyes and praying that this wouldn’t be the thing that pushed her away for good this time.

“I’m sorry!” he would yell while they were fighting, sarcasm laced through every syllable.

“I’m sorry,” he would grin, his hands already cupping her face, ready to kiss her smiling lips.

But he really screwed up this time and he didn’t think “sorry” would fix it. It had been a chain reaction of sorts, problems lining up and then falling over like dominoes, smashing his fragile happiness underneath.

It all started with his job at Walmart. He would play hooky from school, pick up a few extra shifts, and Luke never had to know, right? Jess was still doing enough schoolwork to pass his classes and graduate, which is all that really mattered. Except then the school told him that he had too many absences and that he couldn’t graduate after all. He couldn’t go to the stupid prom, which he didn’t even  _ care _ about, you know? But Rory had been so excited and she was always so proud of how hard he worked at school and he just couldn’t bring himself to tell her about any of it. He convinced himself he could fix it, that he could still make Rory and Luke proud, that he could stay in Stars Hollow a little longer, stay a kid a little longer. But then came the party.

He didn’t even want to go to the party, but Lane’s band was playing and it was important to Rory, so he went. Things had been hard between them recently and he didn’t wanna make any more waves. She knew that he was keeping something from her, but he just….he just couldn’t tell her, you know? He still had this insane, foolish hope that everything would turn out okay, just as long as he never told anyone.

But, because this was him we were talking about, everything went to shit pretty quickly. He had never been one for parties or crowds, so he spent a lot of the party brooding in the corner, taking large gulps from his plastic cup of warm beer. Dean had showed up. Of course. Jess hated to admit it, but sometimes he thought he might know what Dean had felt like when Jess had appeared out of the blue and stolen Rory’s attention. Lately, Rory had seemed to feel drawn back to Dean; hell, she’d even told Jess she trusted Dean more than she trusted him! It made him so angry, but what could he do? He knew she had a good point, possibly even a great point. Maybe that was why it made him so mad.

Jess’ dad had had an alcohol problem and seeing what it had done to him and everyone around should have been a good enough reason to never touch the stuff. But it felt like everything was crashing down around him that night and he kept refilling his cup and drinking until he felt a little wobbly when he walked. He was sick of looking at Dean, so he went upstairs, hoping to cool down and calm his racing thoughts. He went into an empty bedroom, looking at the family pictures and wondering if their smiles were real. Rory appeared, like she always did. And Jess messed it all up, like  _ he _ always did. 

He pushed things too far in a desperate, misguided attempt to gain yet another connection with Rory. He didn’t even know why he did it; the regret and shame was almost instantaneous. But instead of telling her, he directed his guilt at her, yelling at her to just go. Rory left in tears: “I don’t know what I did wrong.”  _ Nothing _ , Jess wanted to say. He wanted to run after her, to throw out his ubiquitous “I’m sorry!” But instead he stayed there, sure that he would just mess it all up again.

Things got a little hazy after that; partly from the booze, partly from Jess trying to erase his memories of that night from his mind. It all came back to him in snapshots: Going downstairs. Seeing Rory and Dean, together again, Dean asking her what was wrong, his hand on her arm, as if he still had a claim on her. Storming past them both, tired of being compared to Dean and never measuring up. Dean’s fist flying towards his face, almost knocking him off his feet.

Jess knew he should have just taken the punch, should have let Dean look like the bad guy. But he was never too good at leaving things alone.

Well, he was pretty good at leaving  _ some _ things alone. He didn’t seem to have any problem leaving Rory alone at that stupid party, red lights flashing over her brokenhearted face.

In one night, his fragile, castle-made-of-cards life had collapsed and he wasn’t sure he could put it back together again….or if he even wanted to.

After that, everything seemed to fast-forward. In what felt like a split-second, his dad reappeared, Luke found out about school, and (after the worst fight they’d ever had) kicked him out.

So now, Jess was here, sitting on the little bridge and staring into the pond. He didn’t know what to do. He was planning on leaving tomorrow morning, heading to California, maybe bunk with his dad for a little while. But could he really do that? And what would he tell Rory?

He’d never been good with words or comfortable talking about what was going on in his head. And he knew that if he talked to Rory, he’d never be able to leave. Those big, blue eyes of hers would fill with tears, she’d say “Jess….,” and he’d be a goner.

So, he decided to write it down.

_ dear rory _

_ i gotta go and i know you won’t want me to and you’ll try and figure out some way for me to stay here and be with you but it’s not good. it’s not good for either one of us. i tried honey i really did but i just kept screwing everything up and i can’t be the guy you want. i wish i was better. i should’ve been better for you. i know it didn’t seem like it but i loved you a lot and i just wanted you to know that. maybe we’ll see each other again one of these days and things will work the way they’re supposed to. a guy can dream, right? good luck at yale, gilmore. you’re gonna knock ‘em dead. _

_ -jess _

He was gonna mail it to her from one of the bus stops. He thought about leaving it on her front porch, but he had an inkling that Lorelai would read it and then toss it out. She didn’t think he was right for Rory and, at times like these, he was inclined to agree.

He got on the 8:30 to Hartford. It was the same route Rory took to go to her fancy private school, but she took the 7:00, he was sure of it. So imagine his surprise when, after a small crowd shuffled off the bus a few stops into the trip, he looked up from his book and saw her.

She got up and sat next to him, carrying on a mundane conversation, acting like everything was fine.  _ But I guess, to her, everything is kinda fine _ . He almost wanted to make her mad at him, to force her into an argument so that, when she found out what he had done, she wouldn’t be as sad to see him go.

“I can’t go to prom,” he burst out. She didn’t say anything. “Couldn’t get tickets.” And he waited for the reaction, for the anger, or the disappointment, or whatever it was.

“Oh,” she said. She wouldn’t look at him, hadn’t since she sat down next to him.

“Sorry.”

“This is my stop.”

“Okay.” Why was the conversation so stilted? Why couldn’t he summon up a snarky quip or a slightly-off-color joke? They were talking like strangers.

“You’ll call me?” She was finally looking at him and he knew that this was his chance, this was his moment to tell her that he was leaving but it was as if his desire to please her took over and instead he heard himself say, “Yeah.” There was nothing he wanted more than to go back to Luke’s. He’d sit at the kitchen table, reading Fahrenheit 451 and waiting for Rory to get home from school so he could call her and ask when he could come over. Things would go back to the sunlit haze that was perpetually cast over Stars Hollow.

But Rory was already up and walking down the aisle and he knew he could never go back to what he had before.

“Rory,” he suddenly choked out. She turned quickly, eyes lit up with….hope? Expectation? Jess stood up, walking towards her and rummaging in his pockets.  _ The letter, where is the stupid letter? _

“Jess, this is my stop, I have to-”

“Just take this,” he blurted, pressing the crumpled piece of paper into her hand. She looked up at him, questions on her lips, but the bus doors started to jerk close and, before either of them could say anything else, Rory slipped through the doors and onto the street. Jess stood in front of the doors as the bus pulled away, watching her get smaller in the distance. She did the same, keeping her eyes locked on his until the bus rounded a corner and he couldn’t see her anymore.

Jess slowly made his way back to his seat in the back. He hadn’t wanted to see her but it might be better this way. He got to see her one last time, one last time where she wasn’t angry with him or disappointed in him.

He opened his book again. Time to start another chapter.


	8. if you ever want to talk

_ if you ever want to talk _

 

It had been 8 months since Jess left. Not that Rory was counting or anything! She just….alright, alright, so she was counting! Could you blame her? No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t let him go. She re-read his note a lot, the edges worn soft from all those weeks she had carried it with her everywhere; in her pockets, shoved in the bottom of her backpack, pressed between the pages of her copy of  _ Catcher in the Rye _ . She knew it was crazy but, when she held the letter, it was like he was with her, like he’d come back one of these days. Crazy, huh?

She had gone to Europe with her mom, seeing everything that she had always read about in her books. She wished she could call Jess and tell him she’d been to Notre Dame and had a drink in Hemingway’s favorite bar in Barcelona and seen the white cliffs of Dover. He would have loved it all.

Lorelai still blamed Jess for their fiasco of a relationship (you name it, she was blaming him for it), so she didn’t understand why Rory just shrugged off his disappearing act. Rory hadn’t told her mom about the letter. She just couldn’t.

The letter made her mad at first:  _ He loved me a lot? Yeah, right! If he loved me so much, why’d he leave? _ But after her initial anger wore off, she grew thankful for it. As short and messy and dramatic as the note was, it was still an explanation. Rory didn’t have to spend hours wondering what she had done wrong, or how things could’ve been different.

She went to Yale with all the hysterics and drama that her mom provided for any occasion. Things were weird, but they got significantly less weird as the months passed. She visited home a lot, she spent more time with Paris than she would have ever thought possible, and she tried to forget.

She did a pretty good job, too, but if it felt like Jess was just around every corner, there was a reason for it. Because one weekend, he was.

Rory had come home for a weekend and it looked like Jess had had the same idea. Her mom had told her he was here and, as much as she hated it, Rory had felt her heart leap.  _ Maybe he came back for me _ . But in the next breath, her mom explained that it was about his car, that he was gonna leave town soon and “you don’t have to worry about seeing him around, okay?”

_ Of course it’s about that piece-of-crap car he used to drive. Why else would he come back to the one place he hates most in the world? _ Rory felt conflicted: on the one hand, she never wanted to see him again. But on the other? She just wanted to talk to him, to tell him she didn’t hate him, that she hoped he would do the incredible things they used to dream about.

And then she did. His car was parked on the street and she couldn’t seem to stop herself from going to look at it. And there he was. He was asleep, wrapped in at least 3 jackets and a beanie tugged over his unruly hair. Rory looked at him, remembering that heartbreak like it was yesterday, until her mom called her away.

Rory was almost dreading the morning, when she knew Lorelai would bring him up. She didn’t know what she would say, how she would be expected to react. Lorelai would surely be ready to dump insult after insult on him and, much as he deserved most of them, Rory didn’t want to cast aspersions on his character this early in the morning.

Luckily, they started discussing the broken window and how Luke was annoying about them hiring people to fix things around the house and Rory had just started to think they might have successfully avoided the topic when Lorelai said, “So…” Rory steeled herself for the inevitable Jess discussion.

“What?” she tried to play dumb.

“Just wondering what you’re thinking about,” Lorelai shrugged.

“I’m thinking about nothing,” Rory tossed off nonchalantly.

“‘Nothing’ wouldn’t happen to wear a leather jacket and be able to pull off an extremely convincing ‘Adrian!,’ would it?”

“No, it wouldn’t,” she picked at her PopTart, trying not to chuckle at the  _ Rocky _ reference. Jess  _ did _ bear a certain resemblance to Sylvester Stallone. Before she could stop herself, she asked, “Do you think he froze to death?”

“No,” Lorelai smiled. “He wasn’t sleeping here.” Rory felt the cold draft of air from the broken window hit her back and smiled.

“Right.”

“I’m sure Luke took care of it.” Luke always took care of Jess, even when neither of them wanted to be around each other in the first place. Sometimes, Rory couldn’t tell if Luke loved him or hated him. Before either of them could say anything else, Lane shuffled in, and Rory hoped that that would be the end of the conversation. It was the end of the conversation, sure, but it was far from the last time she’d think of Jess today.

She went to Weston’s for coffee and a Danish, thinking that Jess would definitely (maybe?) be at Luke’s. Imagine her surprise when she looked up and there he was, reading at a table by the window. He met her eyes and Rory instantly felt the same tug that she had felt two years before. Before she could say anything, however, Jess was up, tugging his jacket off the back of his chair.

“I’m leaving,” he said shortly, and then he was gone.  _ Well, looks like his people skills are still the same. _ Rory headed to Lane’s, meeting up with her mom and, by the time she left for the bookstore, she had almost forgotten about seeing Jess that morning. But when she headed towards the back of the store, there he was again, sprawled on the floor with his nose stuck in a book.

This time, he didn’t say anything; just wordlessly threw his book down and left.  _ God, what is up his butt today? _ Rory wondered.  _ I mean, I know we didn’t leave things on the best of terms, but he could at least say hi or something _ .

She went to dinner with her mom and her grandparents, trying her best to shove Jess Mariano out of her thoughts.  _ He probably left by now anyway _ . But, as she waited in line to get food at the Firelight Festival, there he was again. Only this time, he didn’t have that hard, stone-cold look on his face. This time, he didn’t appear to be on the verge of sprinting away. So, Rory being Rory, she did the only thing that made sense for her to do.

“I get to leave first!” And she turned on her heel and ran.  _ Okay, this has to be the most irrational thing I’ve ever done _ . Behind her, she could hear him call “Rory, wait!” But she didn’t want to wait.  _ If he doesn’t want to talk, well, I guess we won’t talk. So there. Ha _ .

“No, you don’t get to walk away!”

“Hold on!”

“This is my town!” she hardly knew what she was saying, or if she was even making sense. “I leave!” She knew she looked ridiculous running in circles around the street, but what else could she do? Jess really made her crazy.

“I just wanna-where are you going?” Jess sounded mad….and pretty close behind her.  _ Physical activity has never really been my strong suit _ .

“None of your business!”

“We look like idiots!”

“I don’t care!”

“Stop running!”

“Stop following!”

“Oh, come on!” It had been a while, but their witty repartee was still as strong as ever, huh? Rory didn’t know how much longer she could keep running like this; her shoe choice was less than ideal, but hey: how was she to know she’d be running a marathon tonight?

“Go away,  _ I’m _ leaving!” Rory knew she sounded like a baby.

“Rory, stop!”

“Why?”

“Because I wanna talk to you!”

That made her stop. “About what? What do you want to talk to me about?” She was trying to catch her breath, half longing, half dreading whatever he was about to say.

“When did you learn to run like that?” Jess was out of breath, too, but his eyes were sparkling the way they always did when he teased her. But Rory didn’t want jokes. She wanted the truth, the truth that he had been too afraid to say to her out loud, but brave enough to press into her hand.

“You know, I’ve actually thought about this moment. What would Jess say to me if I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no explanations except for some insane note! And then a year goes by! No word! So, he couldn’t possibly have a good excuse for that, right?” Rory was getting fired up now, letting the anger and the hurt that he had left her with spill out. “I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios, with a hundred different  _ great _ last parting lines and, I have to tell you, I am actually  _ very _ curious to see which way this is gonna go!”

_ Does he look….scared? _ Jess was looking anywhere but her and Rory was almost amused to think that she could strike a little fear into him.

“Can we sit down?”

“No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?”

He stared at her, taking a few deep breaths before sighing, “I love you.” Rory just looked at him. I _ thought we already established this? _ Jess took a step back, as if to take her silence for refusal, but Rory blurted, “I know.”

Despite himself, Jess cracked a grin. “Oh, so now you’re stealing lines from Star Wars? Real classy, Gilmore.”

And Rory laughed. Jess seemed a little shocked, but he laughed, too. Rory hardly knew what she was doing when she took his hand, dragging him over to sit on an empty park bench.

“Jess, that note you wrote me-”

“Oh, God,” Jess winced. “The most sappy, disgusting piece of correspondence to ever come into this world. Please tell me you burned it.”

“I use it as a bookmark sometimes,” Rory giggled. Jess groaned. “But that note meant a lot to me. It still does. I know you, and I know how much it must’ve taken for you to tell me you loved me,” Rory nudged him with her elbow. “Even if it was in a note instead of in person.”

“Rory, I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve just left, and I shouldn’t have ever come back here,” Jess ran a hand through his hair. “But I loved you. I still love you.”

“Jess-”

“No, I do. And I know you probably don’t feel the same way, but I thought you should know that I’m still here. I’m still an option for you.” He looked down at his hands and, instinctively, Rory slipped her hand into his, squeezing it slightly.

“Jess,” she waited for him to look at her, so he’d know that she meant every word. “I loved you. You could be kind of terrible sometimes, but I loved you. And I know that you want things to go back to the way they were, but they can’t. I just….” she trailed off, remembering fights and tears and nights when she’d wished to be stronger. “I can’t do it again. You said it yourself, we weren’t good for each other.”

“I know,” Jess shook his head. “I guess I just thought….”

“I know,” Rory smiled sadly, grieving for the people they had once been. Jess abruptly stood up, turning to face her.

“Well, I’ll go, then,” he smirked, trying to bring back some levity to the situation. “I’ve got places to go, people to see, liquor stores to knock over.”

“So, a normal Friday for Jess Mariano?” Rory stood up. He just smiled, turning to go. But Rory couldn’t help herself; she couldn’t just let him leave like this. “Jess!” she burst out. He spun around, a hopeful look in his eyes. Rory started to rummage in her pockets, drawing out a crumpled receipt and an old pen from the Independence Inn. She scribbled quickly on the paper, then held it out to him. He took it but, before he could read it, Rory threw her arms around his neck. She hugged him the way she had always wanted to whenever he said something particularly heartbreaking about his childhood. She hugged him hard enough to (hopefully) press some of those broken pieces back together. And, miracle of miracles, he hugged her back. It was sweet and calm and everything that their relationship had never been.

Finally, Rory drew back, her arms falling to her side. “It was good to see you, Jess.” He smiled, fiddling with the piece of paper she had given him.

“Yeah,” the side of his mouth quirked up in his signature smirk. “Good to see you, too, Gilmore.”

And Rory was right; she got to leave first. She turned around and walked away, never looking back. She never saw Jess look at the old receipt with her cellphone number scribbled on it and the words “if you ever want to talk” written underneath. She never saw the smile that lit up his face as he read those words, or the way he walked back to his car, as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. She didn’t see any of those things, but she knew what she had given him: hope.


	9. I NEED YOU

_I NEED YOU_

 

Rory and Jess were friends. Good friends. Possibly even _best_ friends. Better friends than they had ever been before. All of the drama and insanity that had dogged their relationship before was gone, replaced with a well-maintained, (somewhat) long-distance friendship.

Jess had taken her up on her offer and, a few days after the big confrontation, he called her. It was a Saturday afternoon and Rory answered her phone without looking at the caller ID, still wrapped up in her Political Science notes.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Rory,” the other voice said hesitantly. Rory had a little trouble placing the caller. “It’s Jess,” he finally said, and the lightbulb clicked on.

“Oh,” she exclaimed. “Yeah! Hey!” _Okay, I sound_ way _too eager_. “What’s up?”

“Uh,” he hesitated and Rory was struck by how little things change sometimes.

“Still as chatty as ever, I see,” she quipped, hoping to goad him into conversation.

“Well, I got nothing on you or your mom, but I seem to get by with a few grunts and hand gestures.” Rory heard the smile in his voice.

“So, not that I don’t love trading fun little zingers with you but, how come you called?”

“Well, I guess I just wanted someone to talk to,” he said. Rory was struck by his honesty. _That’s Jess, alright: no time for bullshit_.

“Talk away,” Rory closed her notebook. “I’m completely free.”

And thus began their Saturday ritual of trading phone calls, both of them filling the other in on whatever had transpired that week. At first, Rory felt awkward talking about classes and homework; a reminder of the higher education Jess would probably never have. But one day, sensing her reticence to discuss her English Lit class, Jess insisted that it was fine: “Rory, even if I did get through high school, I don’t think college was ever in the cards for me. I can’t do the system thing, you know? If there’s something I wanna learn, my local library is well-stocked and within walking distance.” That made Rory feel better. These days, Jess always seemed to know what to say to make her feel better. It was like he had finally become the guy Rory had always wished he was when they were dating.

In addition to talking on the phone, they would text and email. Rory would send him articles that she had read for class that she thought he might like, he would send her links to bands that he said she “ _had_ to listen to!” She would text him videos of Kirk driving Luke insane, he would send her pictures of random things he saw abandoned on the streets of New York: lost shoes, party beads, a piñata shaped like Barney. They were _friends_ , and Rory was happy to have him in her life again.

It had been about four months since they had last seen each other. There had been opportunities to meet up in New York or Stars Hollow, but at each instance, they had both made excuses. Rory wasn’t sure what she was afraid of, but there was something between them when they were together, something magnetic and strong, and Rory wasn’t sure she could stick to “just friends” when leather-jacket, floppy-hair, smoldering-eyes Jess was standing right in front of her.

She was in the middle of hurriedly shoving her weekend homework in her backpack, trying to get out the door and on the road to Stars Hollow before the Friday afternoon traffic got too terrible, when her phone buzzed.

_Jess: so i just found out liz is getting married this weekend_

Rory had heard a lot about Liz, Luke’s scatterbrained sister, Jess’ willingly-absent mother. She wasn’t surprised that Jess was just finding out about the wedding a few days before. It certainly fit Liz’s MO.

 

_Rory: Do you know the guy?_

 

_Jess: what do u think_

_Jess: i barely know his name_

_Jess: i couldn’t pick him out of a police lineup_

 

_Rory: Yikes_

_Rory: Are you going to the wedding?_

 

His answer surprised her.

 

_Jess: yeah_

 

The next message answered all her questions.

 

_Jess: Luke came up here, burst into my apartment, and demanded that i go. was i gonna disappoint him yet again? i don’t think so_

_Jess: it’s in stars hollow too_

_Jess: it’s like she’s TRYING to kill me_

 

Rory smiled at the thought of Luke driving all the way to New York and going to Jess’ crack-den-like abode. 

 

_Rory: Well, if you need moral support, I’ll be home this weekend. I’m actually about to drive down this afternoon._

 

_Jess: ur support is much appreciated_

_Jess: let’s hang out this wknd_

_Jess: i’ll need a break from the insane asylum that is my family_

 

_Rory: You’re preaching to the choir, Mariano_

 

Rory finished her packing distractedly, her mind still caught up on Jess’ family drama. She was kind of excited to meet his mom. She wondered if she’d be as crazy as Jess always said she was. She wondered if she had those same sad brown eyes that had made Rory fall in love at 17.  

Her thoughts were interrupted by someone pounding on her door and then: “Did somebody order a stripper?”

“Hi, Mom,” Rory smiled at the sight of Lorelai appearing in her doorway. “Your opening lines get better every time I see you.”

“I know, I’m thinking about writing a book: How to Win Friends and Influence People With Your Great Opening Lines. Guaranteed bestseller, right?”

“How could it not be with an original title like that?,” Rory grinned, zipping her duffle bag. “So, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

“Well,” Lorelai flopped down on Rory’s bed. “I had an inkling that my darling daughter, the light of life, the apple of my eye, the fruit of my loins-”

“I thought we established a ‘no calling me loin-fruit’ policy.”

“Yes, but I decided to say it anyway.”

“Wicked woman.”

“That’s what they’re putting on my tombstone.” Lorelai sat up. “I just I thought you might wanna come home this weekend because Luke’s sister is in town and she’s-”

“Getting married, yeah, Jess told me.” Rory finished.

“Oh,” Lorelai said delicately. “So, the whole regularly-communicating-with-Jess thing, that’s still happening?”

“He just texted me telling me about it. Apparently, Luke had to drag him down from New York himself.”

“Well, that’s….nice.” Lorelai finished lamely. She was never going to be on Jess’ side and Rory had learned to just let it go. “So, what do say, kid? Are you down for a mother-daughter kidnapping? Are we gonna blow this town and go to what is _sure_ to be the strangest wedding ever conceived by two human beings?”

“Absolutely,” Rory slung her bag over her shoulder. “Lead the way, Lewis.”

“Happy to, Clark.”

Rory hadn’t been sure what to expect from this wedding and, after listening to her mom describe what she knew about it, she was even less sure. A Renaissance theme? _Yeah, Jess will love that_.

Arriving in Stars Hollow after a long stretch at Yale always felt so good; like slipping into your most comfortable pajamas. It would always be home to Rory. She and Lorelai dumped her stuff at the house, then headed straight to Luke’s for coffee and sustenance. On the walk over, Rory’s phone vibrated.

 

_Jess: I NEED YOU_

 

_Rory: What?! What’s happening?_

 

_Jess: TJ is gonna give luke an aneurysm_

_Jess: i think i should be putting a popsicle stick under his tongue or something_

 

_Rory: Don’t worry, me and mom are on the way!_

 

“For someone who averages about 12 words a day, Jess seems pretty darn talkative on that little machine there,” Lorelai nudged Rory.

“Yeah, I think he works better with the written word,” Rory shrugged, tucking her phone into her pocket as they walked across the street to Luke’s. When Lorelai swung the door open, Rory wasn’t surprised to hear the familiar sound of Luke and Jess arguing. In fact, she had kind of missed it.

“I mean, an Etch-A-Sketch! That shoulda been my first clue! I can’t let Liz do this!”

“Hey, you wanna stop her? Be my guest!”

“So that’s it, huh? You don’t give a damn, is that it?”

“It’s her life, so no, I don’t give a damn.”

And with that, Luke and Jess burst out from behind the curtain that was hung in front of the stairs to the apartment that once shared.

“Hi boys,” Lorelai smiled coquettishly.

“Trouble in paradise?” Rory questioned, trying to keep her smile innocent.

“You two, of course,” Luke grumbled, turning around to grab the coffee pot. “Whenever the world starts crumbling around me, I look for a Gilmore and hey! There you are.”

“Hey, I resent that!” Lorelai bit back, following Luke to the table he was setting their mugs on. They continued to argue, but Rory was still standing in front of the counter, looking at Jess. He seemed shellshocked, a strange look on his face.

“Hi,” she said shyly, hoping to jumpstart what was sure to be an awkward greeting.

“Hi,” he cocked his head to the side and, all of a sudden, his face rearranged itself to the usual smirk-y, full-of-self-confidence look he had worn when they were 17. It didn’t matter that his hair was longer, that his clothes were slightly more grown-up, that he might be an inch or two taller: he was still the same Jess. _Her_ Jess.

“So,” Rory shook her thoughts back into the real world and gestured towards Luke. “What was that all about?”  

“Luke’s getting cold feet,” Jess rolled his eyes, leaning on his elbows on the counter, the way he had done a million times before. _Does he think this feels familiar, too? Does he remember it all the way I do?_

“Oh, not ready to settle down yet?” Rory grinned. As much as Jess had shaken up her life, she had to admit: she missed his banter, his witty, pop-culture-fueled insights. They had always had hilarious conversations.

“He met TJ at the Fireli-” Jess broke off suddenly. “Uh, well, he met TJ a few months ago and didn’t seem to have too much of an issue with him, but it’s like, all of a sudden, he realizes the guy is prime Bellevue material and he can’t marry Liz.”

Rory had internally winced at his clumsy avoidance of the Firelight Festival, but tried to go with him and gloss over the topic. “They’re happy together, though, right? Liz and TJ?”

“Oh, they’re ecstatic,” Jess snorted. “It’s a match made in lunatic heaven.”

“Well, that’s good,” Rory said simply, trying to be diplomatic.

“He’ll get used to it. He just worries about her so much and this is yet another huge step she’s taking without really thinking about the fallout.” Jess looked down at his hands and Rory was struck by how young he looked right then.

“Do you wanna go to the bookstore?” she said suddenly. Jess met her eyes quickly, a smile coming back to his face.

“Oh, the bookstore, huh? Is this a plot to get me to buy you more books?” He came out from behind the counter, already leading the way out the door.

“You know me too well.”

“Better than anyone, Gilmore.”

They spent the day together, walking around town the way they used to. They had both bought each other’s book recommendations (Rory had pressed a copy of _Letters To a Young Poet_ into his hands, Jess had tossed her _Catch-22_ ) and then spent most of the rest of the day playfully arguing over who had the best taste in books. It was like they were kids again, except this time, they were doing everything right.

It was late in the afternoon when Jess looked at his watch and frowned.

“I should probably be getting back to the diner. Leaving Luke alone with Liz and TJ can only lead to death for all involved.”

“Aw,” Rory frowned. They were sitting on the bridge, _their_ bridge. “Too bad. I was just getting used to the long hair, too.”

“You’re most likely gonna see me in a few hours, seeing as how you and your mother can’t seem to get that whole “cooking” thing down,” he grinned, standing up and extending a hand to pull her up. “And then the wedding is this weekend and you really cannot miss that.”

“So, what you’re saying is….”

“I’ll be seeing you.”

It seemed ridiculous but hearing him say that, seeing the smile on his face; it made Rory feel like things would turn out just fine for the two of them. Jess waved his goodbye and started the walk back to town. He turned around before he rounded the corner of the path and smiled at her one more time and Rory’s heart flip-flopped. _Yep_ , she smiled. _Just fine_.


	10. wanna be my date?

_ wanna be my date? _

 

Jess had had a lot of long days, but this one was really taking the cake. It had started off fine; great, in fact. Rory had appeared at the diner and immediately pulled him back to lighter times: browsing the bookstore together, teasing each other, walking around town, shoulders brushing every so often. It was like they’d jumped in a time machine and gone back to the start, except this time, Jess did everything right. 

It had to end sometime, though and, all too soon, Jess found himself walking slowly back to Luke’s. Much as he professed his disinterest in Liz’s wedding and choice in husband, he  _ did _ want things to go as smoothly as possible, for Luke’s sake. But a bachelor party? I mean,  _ really _ ? Jess didn’t think he had too much in common with his uncle but, in respect to social situations, they had the exact same answer:  _ no _ .

And yet, Jess found himself in a bar with TJ, Luke, and a handful of guys who probably had 12 brain cells between them. There was mud-wrestling. _Mud-wrestling_. Unbelievable, right?  At least he had _Letters To a Young Poet_ stuffed in his pocket. But then TJ had started in on him, trying to get him to agree to walk Liz down the aisle. Fat chance. He’d responded with his usual curt dismissals, TJ had flipped his book out of his hands and…..well, Jess shoved him. And it escalated a bit. Luke and the rest of the guys stepped in before anything could actually happen, but the bouncers still kicked them all out. He and Luke had headed home ( _not home_ _anymore_ , Jess had had to remind himself. _It’s just the diner now_ ) in silence, but Jess knew a blow-up was due any minute now. No matter what crap he pulled, Luke refused to give up on him. He pulled a chair off the table and sat with his hands folded in front of him, waiting for the lecture to start.

“Hmm,” Luke finally sighed. “Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight.” Jess nervously tapped his fingers on the table. This wasn’t the same Luke that would yell for a minute or two, lose his steam, and then let Jess wander on his merry way; this Luke was calm and collected and scaring the crap out of him.

“Haven’t been in a fight since sixth grade,” Luke continued. “Vince Williams called me ‘a doody head.’ I took it very personally.” Jess just nodded, wondering where he was going with all of this. “But you know what, tonight was good, tonight something happened to me, I….achieved this great sense of calm.” Luke was sort of smiling now.  _ What the hell is happening? Is this Invasion of the Body-Snatchers? Where’s the real Luke? _

“No more anger, no more frustration,” Luke was still kinda-sorta smiling in that creepy way. “Just….live and let live. You are who you are. I cannot change that and I’m gonna stop trying.”

Jess just looked at him, trying to keep his face impassive. He didn’t know whether to celebrate or despair. On the one hand, maybe he finally had Luke off his case for good. On the other….well, maybe Luke had finally given up on him. And Luke Danes never gave up.

“Wish I’d felt this earlier,” he sort of chuckled. “Yeah, I wouldn’t have dragged you down here: I apologize for that. But, I mean, if you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t walk her down the aisle, you shouldn’t go to her wedding.”

“I don’t hate my mother,” Jess finally said quietly, leaning back in his chair.

“You don’t?” Luke raised his eyebrows, pulling a chair of his own off the table and sitting down. “Well, then I don’t get it. Why weren’t you coming, because of me? You hate me that much?”

Jess swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. Even though he had screwed everything up, even though he had fought Luke at every turn, Luke had still done everything he could to give Jess a better life. He had believed in him when no one else did. It stung to think that Luke thought he hated him.

“I don’t hate you,” he finally sighed, trying to play it cool. “I  _ came _ here because of you.”

“Stop that,” Luke scoffed.

“You said it was important to you, remember?”

“ _ I _ remember; I didn’t think you were listening.”

“Oh, I was listening!”

“Okay, so you don’t hate your mom, you don’t hate me, so….why weren’t you coming?”

Jess pressed his lips together and exhaled sharply through his nose, looking straight at Luke. He didn’t think he was giving much, if anything, away, but Luke’s eyes immediately lit up.

“No!” He groaned. “Rory? Still? That’s ancient history, you haven’t seen her in a year!”

In that moment, Jess decided to come clean with his uncle.  _ Hey, it might feel good to tell someone else about….all of this. You never know, Luke might even have some insights into the situation.   _

“I saw her when I was here a few months ago,” he said reluctantly.

“I didn’t know that. So, what happened?”

“Nothing.” Jess shrugged.  _ So much for coming clean _ . But Luke was still looking at him expectantly and Jess found himself saying, “I told her, uh….”  _ Okay, this “opening up” thing was hard. Damn you, Oprah, for making it look so freakin’ easy. _

“You told her what?”

“I told her I loved her,” Jess finally admitted.

“Wow!” Luke smiled. “What’d she say?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Well,” Jess was hesitating again. “She didn’t say it back, or anything.”

“Understandable, given the circumstances of your departure last spring.” Luke frowned at him.

“I wrote her a letter,” Jess said suddenly. “When I left. The first time. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her, but I kept screwing up, so it was probably good for both of us if I just split.” He was rambling in a Rory-like fashion now, but Luke was nodding, waiting for him to explain. “I was gonna mail it to her, but then she took a late bus that day and she came and sat next to me and-and I didn’t know what to do, how to say ‘I’m leaving and I don’t think I’m coming back’ and then I panicked and pretended everything was normal! But then it was her stop and she had to go and I gave her the letter and….well, that was the end of that chapter.”

“You two could never do anything normally, huh,” Luke was shaking his head. “Always some huge production with you guys. It’s probably all those damn books.”

“Yeah, probably,” Jess rolled his eyes.

“Okay, but then what happened when you saw her last?”

“We’d been running into each other all over town,” Jess almost smiled at the memory of that day. “And I kept running away and then, the last time,  _ she _ ran away, but I ran after her, and-” Jess stopped suddenly. “And I told her I loved her.”

“And she just….said nothing?”

“No,” Jess chuckled. “She said ‘I know.’”

“And?”

“We talked.”

“About?”

“About what happened. How I made her feel. How we shouldn’t do it all again.”

“Yikes.”

“But then she gave me her phone number and told me to call if I ever wanted to talk.”

“And?”

“I called her.”

“Is that it?”

“Multiple calls. And texts. And emails.”

“So you guys are back together?”

“We’re friends.”

“Ah,” Luke said, leaning back in his chair and looking like he finally understood the situation. “Friends. Right. But then why wouldn’t you wanna come? If things are good between you two, I mean.”

“Because….” Jess trailed off, staring out the window at the empty streets, trying to find the words. “Because I love her. And I’m not you, I can’t just be all buddy-buddy with the girl I’m in love with and pretend everything’s peachy.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s true!”

“No, here’s what’s true,” Luke clasped his hands together. “I had this friend, let’s call him Phillip, who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given _freely_ and _frequently_. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.”

“Who the hell is Judy?” Jess interrupted, although that was  _ far _ from the only question he had about this whole monologue.

“Phillip’s wife, we call her Judy.”

“And I wasn’t bargaining!”

“You were bargaining; you had expectations that were out of line with what you deserved. You don’t nurture.”

“ _ Where _ are you getting this  _ junk _ ?” Jess burst out. I mean,  _ sure _ , he hadn’t done everything exactly right and by the book, but hey: things seemed to be working out fine enough!

“Life,” Luke shrugged. “I’ve lived.”

“What, in a Bette Midler movie?”

“I’m just trying to help you out.”

“Please,” Jess found himself sneering. He didn’t want to fight with Luke about this, but it had been a long day and he really wasn’t in the mood to get sappy romantic advice from his uncle, the hermit. “You’re the most dysfunctional person I know!”

“Not anymore,” Luke said calmly.

“Your marriage to Nicole? Nothing but weird!”

“I’m better now.”

“Yeah, right,” Jess brought a hand up to his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “Man, we’re just a couple of losers.”

“Well, things change, my friend.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Stay tuned.” Luke just grinned. He got up from the table and walked towards the stairs to the apartment. Suddenly, he turned around. “You really told her you loved her?”

Jess just shrugged. What else was there to say? Luke smiled, then went upstairs, leaving Jess alone in the empty diner with only his thoughts to keep him company.

The next morning, he woke up to an empty apartment. Luke wasn’t in the diner and his truck was gone, so Jess just shrugged and turned the TV on, finding a baseball game to half-watch. The wedding was tomorrow and he just wanted to tune out and unplug before he was expected to be chipper and charming.

Luke showed up halfway through the third inning with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“What is it with you?”

In response, Luke grabbed an ancient boombox and a stack of books off the table next to the door and deposited them on Jess’ lap.

“Here,” he said. “I’m done with ‘em.” And then he left.

“It’s like he gets weirder every time I’m here,” Jess muttered to himself, turning the books over and inspecting the backs.  _ Are these….self-help books? Oh my God, Luke really lost it this time _ . But, because he never could resist a book,  _ any _ book, Jess opened it. He read the first page. He read the first chapter. And he started thinking about how he acted. How he treated people around him. And he started to understand some of what Luke had been blabbering on about last night.

Sure, he had repaired things with Rory but, because of his previous “reckless and thoughtless actions”, he’d destroyed any chance at a “healthy, mature relationship” with her. Maybe this book could help him out. I mean, apparently all this Dr. Phil mumbo-jumbo had scored Luke a date with Lorelai, so it couldn’t  _ all  _ be junk, right?

He finished the book the morning of Liz’s wedding, keeping it hidden behind a newspaper as he sat on a bench in the town square. He closed the book and fished his cell phone out of his pocket, staring at the stupid piece of plastic. This should be easy, right? I mean, he’d called her a hundred times, had sent a thousand texts. Why couldn’t he just call her? Hell, why couldn’t he just go over to her house and  _ see  _ her, ask her in person? Oh, that’s right, ‘cause he’s a wimp. A huge wimp, especially when it came to Rory Gilmore.

But the book had said that if he wanted things to change, he had to “break old habits and prove to your loved one that you are ready to make a commitment!” Jess sighed. Sometimes his eidetic memory was a curse, rather than a blessing. He flipped his phone open.  _ Should I call? I can’t call; it’s too weird. And we just decided to be friends! Things are finally good between us, I can’t do this. _ He closed the phone again. Then he opened it. He typed out a text.  _ Should I do this? Can I do this? _ And then, before he could talk himself out of it again, he sent the text.

 

_ Jess: wanna be my date? _

_ Jess: to the wedding i mean _

_ Jess: Liz wants me to have one _

_ Jess: it’s cool if u don’t though _

_ Jess: i’ve got miss patty on speed dial _

 

_ Wow, way to play it cool! You don’t sound psycho at all! _ Jess dropped his phone on his lap and groaned. About a minute into his self-pity party, his phone started ringing.

“Hello?” he said hesitantly, almost praying that it wasn’t who he thought it was.

“I know speaking isn’t your strong suit, so that’s why I’m giving you a pass on asking me to a wedding over  _ text _ ,” Rory’s voice was mock-disappointed, but Jess could tell she was smiling.

“I’m a young, hip, on-the-go guy,” he scoffed. “Texting is the only type of communication I have time for.”

“Yeah, okay, Mr. Hip,” Rory snickered. “Well, etiquette snafus aside, yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, I will be your date to your mom’s wedding.”

“Really?” Jess could hear a note of excitement in his voice and prayed Rory wouldn’t pick up on it.

“Yes, really,” she laughed. “Now come on, we’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see.”

“What?"

“Turn around.” Jess whipped his head around to see Rory standing across the street, waving to him. He laughed, closed his phone and sauntered over to her.

“Wow, hanging up on me?” Rory gasped as soon as he was in earshot. “Real classy, Jess, real classy.” He just smiled, too happy to think up a suitable comeback. “Let’s go.” Rory grabbed his arm and started dragging him up the street.

“Whoa, whoa, where are we going?”

“I told your mom we’d help with some of the wedding stuff,” Rory grinned evilly.

“You want me dead, don’t you, Gilmore?” Jess groaned.

“You’ve had things too easy without me around,” she huffed. “Luke lets you get away with murder. So, I’m here to make sure we get an honest day’s work out of you.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

As Rory prattled on about flowers and chairs and maypole dancers, Jess found that he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He had always thought that he couldn’t change anything in his life, that the fates had dealt him a crap hand and that he just had to muddle through as best he could. Today had showed him that maybe, just maybe, he could change things. He could be happy.  _ As long as Rory keeps appearing to drag me towards the right path, I think maybe I’ll be just fine. _

He looked down at her, mouth still going a mile a minute about wedding preparations.  _ Yep _ , he grinned.  _ Just fine. _


	11. you couldn't count on me before, but you can now

_ you couldn’t count on me before, but you can now _

 

If you had asked 17-year-old, freshly-broken-up-with Rory Gilmore where she saw herself in about a year, never in her wildest dreams would she have thought “with Jess Mariano at a Renaissance-themed wedding in the middle of Stars Hollow.” Bur stranger things have happened, right?

Rory had had her doubts about accepting Jess’ request to be his date. What if this blurred the precise lines that they had just managed to reestablish? Yes, they had become friends and yes, the days they spent together before the wedding had made her wonder what it would be like to revisit the relationship, but in the end, she decided that it wouldn’t be worth it.  _ Why should I risk it all again? Why should we ruin everything we’re built?  _ And Jess didn’t appear to have any assumptions about what was going to happen, so why make things more complicated?

On the day of the wedding, Rory and Lorelai walked over to the diner to meet their respective dates (Rory still couldn’t believe that Luke had finally gotten the nerve up to ask her mom out!), both of them giggling at the already-gathered wedding guests clad in tights and pantaloons.

“Aw, no, where’s your costume?” Rory had groaned when she caught sight of Jess. He was wearing a very normal tan button down shirt and his usual black jeans.

“It was a struggle to even get him in  _ that _ ,” Luke interjected. “Tights were out of the question.”

“They make my calves look fat.” Jess said in mock-seriousness.

“Ugh, me too!” Lorelai played along, twining her arm through Luke’s and heading across the street.

“So,” Rory smiled. Jess’ hair was too neat; it was funny to see him without the usual “devil may care” hairstyle he usually sported.

“So,” he echoed. “You look nice.”

“You do, too.”

“Liar.”

“Tan is really your color!”

“Alright, that’s it, you’re officially uninvited.”

They had started to walk across the street as they bantered, falling into familiar patterns like it was nothing at all. Rory started to find them two empty seats, but Jess had stopped walking.  _ He looks like he’s gonna barf _ .

“You okay?”

“Uh,” he ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I can’t sit with you.”

“Oh, because I called Kafka overrated yesterday?”

“No, no,” he seemed uncomfortable and Rory felt the playful grin slide off her face. “It’s just….well, I gotta walk Liz down the aisle.”

Rory felt her mouth drop open. “You what?”

“Oh, don’t look so surprised,” he rolled his eyes.

“I just didn’t have you pegged as a traditional, father-of-the-bride type of guy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he waved off her barely-suppressed smile. “Go find a seat. I’ll deal with you afterwards.”

“Can’t wait.” And then, much to her surprise, she kissed Jess on the cheek. He looked like a bomb had gone off.  _ Good to know I’ve still got it _ . “This is a really great thing for you to do, Jess. You’re a good guy.”

“Well,” he shrugged. “I don’t know about that but…..I’m working on it.”

Rory smiled again, and then started to wind her way through wedding guests and folding chairs, trying to find a good seat. Kissing Jess on the cheek had been spontaneous, sure, but it had been the right thing to do in the moment. He had grown so much and Rory wanted to show him that she saw and appreciated the progress.

The wedding was beautiful (if a little strange) and the reception felt like a fairytale with the fancy costumes and the strings of lights. Rory spotted her mom and Luke out on the dance floor and  _ oh my god, was Luke waltzing? Luke can waltz? _ She made a mental note to freak out with Lorelai over it later.

“Aw, did someone put Baby in the corner?”

Rory whirled around to see Jess standing behind her, his ever-present smirk plastered on his face.

“My dance moves are really reserved for more private affairs.”

“Like the top of the bar?” Jess started laughing at Rory’s offended glare. “Hey, I know what you college girls get up to, and it’s not pretty.”

“Well, what about you? Does the cityslicker have anything to show our one-horse town?”

“Didn’t Taylor pull a  _ Footloose _ and outlaw dancing?”

“Don’t put any ideas in his head.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Come on, Jess! One dance?”

“Rory….”

“Hey, you owe me  _ one _ dance,” Rory pouted. “After all, we did miss out on the whole prom experience.”

As soon as she said it, she wished she could take it back. Jess’ face had tightened at the word “prom,” the easy grin disappearing from his face. “Jess, I didn’t mean-”

“No, I know,” he interrupted. “I know. And you’re right.” He was smiling again, but it was too  _ nice _ , too forced. “So, to make up for the  _ terrible _ injustice of you missing out on a crappy dance in the high school gym, with lame music and our even lamer peers, I have to ask: may I have this dance?”

“Of course,” Rory smiled back, but she was silently cursing herself. She recognized the steely anger in Jess’ tone, the barely-suppressed jabs that he wanted to make, and she was afraid she had unknowingly summoned the old, angry Jess back from whatever dark corner he had been waiting in.  _ Maybe he was right _ , she thought, gingerly taking his proffered hand.  _ Maybe we really aren’t good for each other _ .

Jess gently put his hand on her lower back, pulling her slightly closer. Rory was afraid to meet his eyes.  _ How could I say that? Why did I have to bring that up?  _ They moved slowly around the dance floor and, as terrible as Rory felt, she liked dancing with Jess, liked the ease with which he held her. Like everything else this weekend, it felt oh so familiar.

“Rory.” Jess’ voice shocked her out of her reverie. “Rory, can you look at me?” She brought her eyes up to meet his, apprehensive about what he might say next.

His eyes were warm again and his smile didn’t have that strained look about it. She felt herself relax.

“You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me anymore.”

“No, I didn’t-”

“You had to before and I know you think you still do, but you don’t.” His tone was serious and his eye contact didn’t waver. “I wasn’t an easy person to be around and I made you feel like a lot of things were your fault. And that was really fucked up and I won’t ever be able to make up for that. But I’m working on….things, and you don’t have to be worried about that stuff anymore.” He pulled her a little closer.

“But that was so mean of me to just bring it up like it was nothing and-”

“Hey, I definitely deserve it,” he chuckled darkly. “Look, I’m not gonna end our friendship just because you make some snappy comment about my shortcomings as a boyfriend. I mean, gimme some credit.” He gave her a faux stern look.

“I know, but I want things to be…” Rory searched for the words. “Easy. I want things to be easy.”

“Life ain’t easy, sweetheart.”

“Call me sweetheart again and your toes will be begging for mercy.”

“Alright, alright,” Jess laughed and suddenly spun her around. It made Rory laugh because she remembered when Lorelai used to spin her around as they danced to Cyndi Lauper in the kitchen. It was funny but, as much as Lorelai disliked Jess, Rory found that they shared more similarities than differences. “But I reiterate: we’re friends and you’re not gonna mess that up by bringing up the past.”

“You’re different now, you know. Nicer. A little calmer.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Well, keep it up.”

They danced for a few more songs until Rory pulled away. “I know this is lame and terrible wedding-date etiquette, but I have to go.”

“Carriage turning into a pumpkin as we speak, I assume.”

“I have to get back to Yale and finish boxing up all my stuff for the summer.” Rory sighed. “And, since my mom drove me down here, I need to catch the bus back up and the next one leaves in an hour and-”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” Jess laughed, grabbing her hand and tugging her off the dance floor. “I’ll drive you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I gotta get back to the city anyhow. Just let me say bye to everyone.” Rory bit back a comment about how he really  _ had _ changed if he was actually going to say goodbye to people. Sure, Jess had given her a pass to make her jokes, but that didn’t mean she should open fire on the poor guy.

They both said their goodbyes to everyone else, drove the short way to the Gilmore home to grab Rory’s bag, and then hit the road.

They drove in companionable silence, the only sound coming from the car radio.

“Fleetwood Mac?” Rory had wrinkled her nose when Jess had first cranked up the CD. “Really?”

“Stevie Nicks is a true poet.” Jess had shrugged. As they neared New Haven, Rory found herself agreeing with him.

“What is this song called?”

“Silver Springs.”

“I like it.”

“Yeah, it’s on of my favorites, too.”

Rory turned her concentration back to the song, hypnotized by Stevie Nicks’ voice and the power of her words.

 

_ Time cast a spell on you _

_ But you won't forget me _

_ I know I could have loved you _

_ But you would not let me _

 

_ Huh. That sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  _ Rory shook her head. Jess had a habit of finding the exact book or poem or song that would touch something in her soul, that would move her spirit. Before they’d started dating, it had driven her insane: how did he know all these things that she hardly knew herself? But after a little introspection, she had come to the realization that maybe they had a bit of the same soul. What was that line from  _ Wuthering Heights _ they had fought over all those years ago? “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” Sounds about right. 

“Here we are.” Jess’ voice interrupted her thoughts and she was surprised to see that they were parked in front of her building.

“Already? I feel like we’ve only been driving for, like, 20 minutes.”

“Hey, I don’t make the rules.”

“You say that, but I think you have enough sway to change some of them.”

They were walking to her door, Jess swinging her duffle bag in his hands and in the middle of telling her some dumb joke about the rules he would make if he were in charge when he was interrupted by a familiar and unwelcome voice.

“Rory?”

Rory froze. What the hell was Dean doing here? He was standing in front of her door, looking like he’d been there for a few hours. The expression on his face was pleasant enough, until he saw who was accompanying her.

“Jess?” his tone soured.

“In the flesh.” Jess said shortly.

“Rory, are you with him?” It had been years since everything that had gone down between the three of them, but damn if this scenario didn’t feel like the most extreme deja vu.

“Yes,” she blurted. “I mean, no-I-I mean, we’re not  _ together _ or anything, we just-”

“She needed a ride back to school, I volunteered my services and here we are.” Jess’ tone was flat and disinterested. “You all caught up now, Dean-o?”

“Don’t call me that!” Dean snapped before turning back to Rory. “Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve given you a ride.”

“Dean, you’re married,” Rory thought it was obvious, but Dean still appeared to not understand. “And Jess and I were at a wedding together and-”

“I thought you said you weren’t together.”

“Is that really  _ any _ of your business?” Jess interjected.

“Yeah, it is my business if you’re harassing my-”

“Your what?” Rory snapped. “Go on, finish that sentence, I’m dying to know what you’re thinking. I mean,  _ God _ , what are you even  _ doing _ here?”

“I just….” All the fire had gone out of Dean’s eyes and he looked chastised. “You were so nice these past few weeks and-and I thought that….well, that maybe we could-”

“Dean, you’re  _ married _ .” Rory repeated. “And I was being nice to you because-well, because it’s the nice thing to do!” She heard Jess snort.

“So are you just being nice to  _ him _ ?” Dean gestured angrily.

“He’s my friend!” Rory said hotly. “He asked me to go to his mom’s wedding with him and I said yes, what’s so wrong with that?”

“He only wants one thing,” Dean said darkly. “The same damn thing he wanted two years ago. He’s gonna fuck you and leave again and-”

Rory didn’t know what came over her. One second, she was listening to Dean rant angrily about things that were  _ none _ of his business, the next, she was slapping him…. _ hard _ .

“Rory-” His hand was on his face, looking at her like he didn’t recognize her.

“Go.” She could hear how cold she sounded and she mentally gave herself a pat on the back; she didn’t really do “cold/scary/intimidating.”

“But-”

“She said go.” Jess piped up. Rory was shocked that he had stayed relatively quiet throughout this whole exchange.  _ Guess he really  _ has _ matured _ .

Dean gave her one final look of disappointment before turning around and leaving, hopefully forever.

“Huh,” Jess finally spoke, breaking the uneasy silence. “That was a tad ‘Days of Our Lives’-ish, don’t you think?”

Rory snorted. What else could she do? Dean was gone, Jess was here, and she just wanted to go to sleep.  _ What a crappy end to a such a good day _ .

“You wanna come in?” she waved towards the door and Jess dutifully followed.

“Wow,” he whistled appreciatively. “Nice digs you got here.”

“Can you believe that?” Rory burst out angrily, slumping down on one of the cardboard boxes that filled the living room. “I mean, he comes all the way to Yale because he thinks we’re gonna get back together? Because I was nice to him? God, guys suck!”

“It’s true, we do,” Jess set her bag down on the floor and joined her in sitting on a box. “Dean sucks a little more than most, though.”

“I can’t believe you guys almost faced off again,” Rory gave a hollow laugh. “Flashback to senior year, huh?”

“Yeah, it was quite the blast from the past.” Jess shrugged. “But that’s how it always feels with you.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“So,” Jess paused. “I mean, I’m happy to stay here and stew with you over the idiocy of the male species but if you want me to go….”

“I….” Rory trailed off, looking at him. He was so different from the way he used to be, yet still so familiar. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Jess said simply. “That’s okay. We can just sit here and not know.”

And they did. Well, at some point, they moved off the boxes and tugged out some of their favorite books, reading in comfortable silence. And at some point, Rory fell asleep, her head slumped against Jess’ shoulder.

She woke up in the morning on her Yale mattress, her face itchy from the scratchy material bare mattresses are made of.  _ Where are my sheets? _ She sat up, registered the empty shelves and boxes and remembered.  _ Oh yeah, I’m moving today _ . She pulled the blanket that had been haphazardly tossed over her off and got up.  _ Jess is probably sleeping on the living room floor, like the true wannabe Beat poet he is _ , Rory smiled to herself. But the living room was empty. Every room was empty.  _ Did he just leave again? _ Rory felt a lump rising in her throat.  _ Friends don’t sit with you all night, drag your unconscious body into bed, and then split with no word or anything.  _ She slumped down on another cardboard box, chin in her hands and feeling sorry for herself when she spotted an unfamiliar book.

“ _ Love in the Time of Cholera _ ,” she read the title, flipping it over to scan the back. As she did, a scrap of paper fluttered out.  _ Of course. Another note. Why am I not surprised? _ She unfolded the paper, recognizing the dark, untidy scribble that belonged to Jess.

 

_ dear rory _

_ deja vu, huh? i woulda stuck around to say goodbye but you were asleep and i didn’t wanna wake you up. you had a tough night, kid. anyways, i think you’ll like this one. very sappy, very funny. you’ll get a kick out of it. _

_ that thing with dean last night was insane. seemed like something i would do if im being honest. but im different now. you know that. you couldn’t count on me before, but you can now. i hope you know that. if you ever need someone to just come sit in silence with you for awhile, you know my number. see you soon, gilmore _

_ -jess _

 

Rory’s heart felt full. Was that a weird thing to say? Well, it was true: her heart felt full. Jess hadn’t  _ really _ left. He hadn’t disappeared. He was just one call away. And he’d said “see you soon”! He was still there for her.  _ He’ll always be there for me _ , Rory thought suddenly. Turning the thought over in her mind, Rory realized the truthfulness of it. Sure, Jess had spent most of his life flaking on anything and everything, but these last few months had shown Rory that he was trying to be someone better. She snapped her phone open and dialed a familiar number.

“Hello?”

“Quite the disappearing act you pulled. I should’ve known, though; you spent most of our early friendship doing magic tricks.”

“It’s called sleight of hand and it is very respected in the magic community.”

“Hey, Jess?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks,” Rory let out a breath. “For last night. I needed someone and you were there for me and I….thank you.”

“Any time.” Rory could hear him smiling into the phone. “If you ever wanna do it again, I got a new place. No roommates. Feel free to come up and hang out for a day or two.”

“Really?” Rory felt the gears starting to turn in her brain. She didn’t have any summer plans and she wanted to go somewhere, do something new. New York with Jess might be just what she needed.

“Really.”

“So,” she said slowly. “If I were to come up next week with no definite plan for leaving….that would be cool?”

“That would be cool.”

“Good to know.”

“Rory?”

“Yeah?”

Jess sighed into the phone, the line crackling. “Thanks for never giving up on me.”

Rory felt tears spring into her eyes. It was rare for Jess to be open and honest about what went on in that head of his, so this was special, indeed.

“Any time,” she said thickly. “Just make sure to return the favor.”

Jess laughed and the sound made Rory’s heart leap. “I wouldn’t dream of anything less, Gilmore.”

That’s what it had always been between the two of them: dreams. Dreams of who they could be, what they could do, where they could go. Maybe it was finally time to make some of those dreams come true.


	12. I wish I could see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is INSANELY long, but this has always been one of my favorite Rory/Jess moments and I had to do it justice, especially 'cause I'm giving it the ending it deserved lol. Thank you for reading!

_ I wish I could see you _

 

She never came. A few days after their phone call, where Rory had basically  _ told _ him she was coming to spend some time with him in the city, she called him again.

“Jess, please don’t be mad, but my grandma wants to take me to Europe. It’s really important to her and it’s a really great opportunity and I know I said I was gonna come to New York, but we can still hang out later in the summer!” She had rambled on for awhile after that, but Jess had sort of tuned her out. He didn’t need to hear her make more plans she wouldn’t keep.

_ I don’t know why I even got my hopes up _ , he had thought grimly, knocking back another bottle of beer.  _ Why would she want to come back to me? _ Rory still called and texted, as much as her international phone plan would allow. She emailed him pictures of Parisian architecture and Roman art galleries. She was trying to make everything okay. Jess went along with it as best he could, because he wanted things to be okay, too. He had just wanted things to be okay with both of them on the same continent, you know?

Time passed, as it always seemed to do, and Jess tried to reconcile his longing heart and his stoic head with each other. He had started writing that summer in an angry, desperate haze, but his fractured thoughts had turned into a real story by the end of that year and Jess started to think that maybe he might have something without Rory after all. They still spoke; not as often, sure, but they still spoke. Rory started mentioning a guy named Logan, a rich boy who spent all his time driving her crazy. She would spend hours complaining about him and Jess would think,  _ That’s how I got her to notice me, too _ . He wasn’t surprised when Rory told him they were dating. He didn’t tell her about his story. He was reluctant to call it a book; it wouldn’t be a  _ book _ until someone published it. But he didn't tell her. Maybe because his selfish heart wanted to have something in his life that wasn’t touched by her. Maybe because the story was partly about her and him and what they had had together. Either way, he didn’t tell her.

He wasn’t surprised that she started dating the rich guy but, a few months later, he  _ was _ surprised to hear from Luke that she had stolen a boat, been arrested, dropped out of Yale, and was now living with her grandparents.  _ I guess her teen rebellion just all came out in one spurt _ . But the Yale thing almost broke his heart. He knew it was all breaking Lorelai’s heart; she and Rory weren’t speaking.

Rory’s emails and calls were still light and breezy. She acted like everything was fine and dandy, like she hadn’t completely turned her life upside down. Every so often, though, she would let something slip through the cracks that let Jess know the normal Rory was still in there somewhere.

_ Things are a little crazy right now. I guess I just don’t know what I really want, you know? I’m sort of drifting. I wish I could see you. You’d know what to do to snap me out of this _ .

Jess stared at his computer screen, trying to digest Rory’s latest email. She sounded more down than ever.  _ Well, so what? _ He thought bitterly.  _ She did all of this to herself _ . But then he remembered their last good phone call. 

_ “Thanks for never giving up on me,” he had sighed. He and Rory were finally on the same page, finally doing everything right. _

_ “Any time,” she had replied, her voice shaking. “Just make sure to return the favor.” _

And, damn it, he’d said he would, hadn’t he? After everything he had done, Rory had still never given up on him. It was time for him to do the same.

So, he threw some clothes in his trusty old duffle bag and grabbed a copy of  _ The Subsect _ . Yep, that was what he had decided to call his book. It was a book now, properly bound and everything. He had gotten in contact with a small publishing house in Philadelphia, equipped with their own printing press. They’d liked the book and they’d liked him, offering him an editing job. He had moved to Philly a few months ago. Rory knew he was in Philadelphia, knew he was doing something in publishing, but none of the details.  _ Guess now I’m finally coming clean _ . And, hey: who said he was just doing this for her? His publishing partners had been hounding him to do a grassroots campaign, go door-to-door at bookstores and ask them to stock his book. Maybe he could kill two birds with one stone.

He made the drive to Hartford and felt surprised by the twist in his stomach when he breezed past the exit that would take him to Stars Hollow. As much as he hated the place, it still felt like home. It felt strange to be so close and just….pass on by.

Driving through the high-class neighborhood that Rory was calling home these days set Jess’ teeth on edge. Every house had big white columns out front, or large wrought-iron gates, or a tennis court somewhere on the property. He couldn’t believe that Rory would willingly live this stuffy, uptight, charade of a life. As he neared the Gilmore mansion, his stomach flip-flopped. Last time he was here, he hadn’t exactly made the best impression on Emily Gilmore. He hadn’t really impressed Rory too much, either. He figured it was best to park around the corner and walk up to the house; maybe he could inconspicuously get Rory’s attention somehow.

He walked slowly, hesitant to open up the can of worms that he knew he had to. Things between him and Rory were so fragile, so bound-to-break. Could it withstand the argument that Jess was sure they would end up having?

He arrived at the gates and was surprised to see Rory in the driveway, almost as if she was waiting for him. She slammed her car door, turned around, and her eyes widened.

“Jess.” Not a question, not a gleeful exclamation, but it was better than an angry accusation. He carefully pushed the gates open, slipping between them.  _ What a metaphor _ , he thought grimly.  _ Sneaking in between the gaps of wealth and status. I should put that in my next story _ .

“Hey,” he went for chipper and happy-go-lucky. Rory seemed to like that version of him best. Hell, everyone seemed to like that version best.

“Hey,” she finally smiled. “I….Sorry, that wasn’t a sentence.”

“I got the gist,” he waved his hand noncommittally, walking over to her.

“What are you doing here?”  _ Ah, ain’t that the million-dollar question? _

“Got a job; professional driveway skulker.”

“Pays good?"

“Yeah, but the hours suck.”

“Jess….”

“I’m in town on a little business; all nice and aboveboard.”

Rory smiled. “Words I never thought I’d hear you say. So, what, you just decided to pop on over for a little chat with Richard and Emily?”

“Yeah, I know they’ve just been dying to have me over for tea,” Jess rolled his eyes.

Rory was still smiling, her happiness shining out of those big, blue eyes that had always been Jess’ weakness “You look good,” she said, and Jess could tell she was happy about it, that he looked good and healthy and not-like-a-hoodlum. “The years don’t seem to have hardened you.”

“Geez, we just saw each other, what? A year or so ago? Gimme some time, the years will harden me, I swear.”

“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but….” Rory hesitated.

“Why am I here? Well, I know this is kinda weird-”

“Not weird! I’ve been wanting to see you lately!”

“-but there’s actually something I wanted to tell you. Uh, show you, actually.” He saw her look nervously at the house.  _ Probably paranoid that her grandparents are watching her talk to someone who isn’t on their pre-approved list of who she should fraternize with _ . “I can come back another time.”

“No, it’s just-we’re kind of exposed here, my….her window’s, like, right there.”

“Your grandmother?”

“The very same.” Rory bit her lip. “You wanna come in?”

“You sure?” Jess was a little taken aback, but mostly nervous. This house made him feel like Oliver Twist or something.

“Yeah, but just be careful,” Rory started to walk towards the front door. “She’s a very light sleeper.”

They made their way through the palatial living room, tip-toed up the stairs and down a very long hallway, and finally ducked into what appeared to be Rory’s bedroom. It was decorated like the rest of the house; antique furniture and floral patterns on everything, but there were some troubling aspects mixed in as well. Namely, the framed NSYNC and 98 Degrees posters. Jess chose to simply keep his mouth shut. No point in starting anything so soon, right?

“So, here we are.”

“Casa Rory….hmm.” He watched her stuff a pillow against the crack under the door.

“So our voices don’t carry.” she explained.

“Very prudent.”

She must have noticed him studying the ridiculous decor. “This is not really my taste.”

“Yeah, not unless you’ve aged about 90 years.”

“I haven’t.”

Jess gestured towards a dress hanging on the back of the door. “Is that for Halloween?”

Rory suddenly appeared flustered, grabbing the dress. “No, no, it’s for a….a function I have to attend.”

“A function,” Jess repeated.

“It’s just a job,” she looked down, fiddling with the dress. “With the DAR. Daughters of the American Revolution.”

“Well, you certainly left  _ that _ out of your emails.”

“It’s not-I just didn’t want to-”

“Cool your jets, Gilmore, I’m not judging.” He waited for her to meet his eyes, then he smirked. “Much.”

“Well, what is much?” Rory laughed and suddenly Jess remembered with perfect clarity a street corner, a copy of Howl, and a girl with eyes like the sky and a happy look of surprise on her face.

“Quoting me to me?” Jess laughed. “Careful, I might just get a big head.” He looked around the room again, trying to picture Rory truly and actually living here. “So, besides the DAR, what else does a Yale dropout find herself doing these days?”

Rory’s face tightened. “Oh, you know….just figuring things out. Sometimes it’s nice not to have a plan, you know?”

“You’re talking to the master of not having any plans.”

“I don’t wanna talk about me,” Rory suddenly said. “I mean, I feel like that’s all I do, in my emails, I mean. And you don’t really say anything, besides the fact that you’re in Philadelphia now. What are you doing there?”

“Trying to find the perfect cheesesteak.”

“Jess!”

“Well, it’s a pretty cool scene in Philly,” Jess was trying to talk around the subject of his book, hoping to find the perfect way to drop it into the conversation without sounding like a total douchebag.  _ “Oh, look at me, I wrote a book!” God, I should kick my own ass. _ “Lot of younger people there. Pretty big art scene.”

“I know,” Rory smiled, looking happy to talk about something other than herself. “I read that in the New York Times. They had a picture of a bunch of young people standing on a roof; kind of eclectic and all. Looked fun, but it was clearly one of those pictures that wasn’t candid. It was looking a little….stiff but…..they looked happy.”

“Are you nervous?” Jess couldn’t help but ask, especially after that ramble-session Rory had going there.

“A little,” she readily admitted. “It’s been a long time.”

“I’m a little nervous, too.” Jess leaned forward conspiratorially, hoping to put her at ease.

“Good, I’m not alone.”

Jess figured this was as good a time as any, so he took the plunge. “So, I didn’t just come here to chat.” He reached for his messenger bag. “I came here to show you something.”

“Right, you said that.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think you’d believe it if I didn’t show it to you in person, so….” Jess rummaged through his bag until he found the slim paperback. He handed it to Rory, nervous for her reaction.

“Well, color me curious,” she grinned at him before looking down to study the book’s cover. “The Subsect.” She squinted at the cover again. “Written by Jess Mariano?” Her eyes snapped up to meet his, disbelief and shock written all over her face.

“That’s no misprint,” he quipped.

“You wrote a book?”

“Short novel.”

“You wrote a  _ book _ ?”

“And, through a fluke, I got it to these guys who have a small press and they read it. I don’t know if they were high or something, but they decided to publish it.”

“You wrote a book.” Finally a statement and not an incredulous question.

“There’s no money in it, they only printed, like…..500 of them. Believe me, I’m not quitting my day job.” Jess was trying to downplay it. He hadn’t realized the extent to which Rory had fallen into her grandparent’s world and he didn’t want to rub it in her face that he was doing something real while she was here organizing tea parties for rich old ladies.

“But you  _ wrote _ it,” Rory sprang to her feet. “You wrote a book.”

“Yeah, it’s hard to believe.”

“You sat down and wrote a novel.”  _ Okay, looks like dropping out of Yale brought her IQ down quite a bit, ‘cause she’s really not computing this whole “I wrote a book” thing _ . 

“Yeah, author-distributed, too. That’s what I’m doing here. I’m going around, begging independent bookstores to put it in stock. Got it in a few.”

“Cool! Where?” Her eyes lit up again and Jess was thanking God that she was finally saying something other than “You wrote a book.”

“Around.”

“I wanna see it in a store!”

“I can give you the addresses.”

“You know what I’m gonna do when I see it in the store?”

“What?” Jess groaned.

“You know that section towards the front, the staff recommendations? I’m gonna grab a copy of your book and put it in that section…..” Rory was rambling again, something about how she was gonna make her own notecard recommendation or something. Jess was half-listening, half-marveling at how time never seemed to change her. No matter where she was or what she was doing, she was still optimistic in the extreme, still ready to celebrate all the small victories that life had to offer. “.....so people see it and buy it.” She brought the book up to her chin, grinning like a little kid.

“Read it first,” he chuckled. “That way you can discourage people from buying it.”

“No way! I know it’s good, you’ve got such a great brain and I  _ knew _ that if you could sit down and stop shaking it around, you could do something like this. I knew it, I just knew it.” She still had that happy smile on her face, like Jess had just given her a million dollars.He felt like he was 17 again and showing Rory his A+ English paper on  _ The Crucible _ .

“I know you did,” he said quietly, throwing her a smile of his own. “I work at that press now; five smelly guys in a cramped room on Locust Street, putting out about three books a month. It’s fun.”

“I can’t believe that we’ve been emailing for months and you never told me you were writing anything, much less that it was getting published!” Rory reached out and playfully smacked his shoulder. “Meanwhile, you let me prattle on about arguments with my grandmother and fights with Logan like some kind of idiot.”

Logan. Jess was wondering when she would get around to mentioning him.

“Yeah, well, you’ve always been a little more open about your personal life than me.”

“A little?”

“A lot.”

“So, what about a sequel, are you writing a sequel?”

“You should read it before you get too jazzed about it, okay?”

“Shh!” Rory had a panicky look in her eyes. “Okay, sorry, thought I heard footsteps.”

“It’s kinda late, I should go.” Jess knew he was chickening out of the whole “go back to Yale and start your real life” argument, but he couldn’t do it; not when she was so damn happy about the book.

“It is kinda late,” Rory agreed, and they both got up to go.  _ Do it, you pansy _ .

“So, uh, I just basically wanted to show you that,” Jess said suddenly, trying to put his tangled up thoughts into words. “Tell you I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Rory wasn’t smiling that big, bright beam anymore, but Jess could still see the pride shining fiercely on her face. She looked a little taken aback by his declaration, though. “Thanks.” She said thoughtfully.

“I’m gonna be around for a couple of days.”  _ What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I DOING??!!?? _ “Can we talk again? Preferably above a whisper?”

“Yeah,” Rory nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’d like that. How about tomorrow night?”

“Eight okay?”

“Yep.”

“Good.” He pointed to the door. “I’ll sneak out on my own.” As he turned the door handle and slowly slipped out into the hallway, Rory stopped him.

“Hey, the book.”

“No, it’s yours.” He shot her one last trademark Jess Mariano smirk, and then closed the door. He crept down the stairs, praying to every god he could think of to please, please, please let him get out of here without having to face down Emily Gilmore.

He escaped unscathed. And he was seeing Rory tomorrow.  _ Not a bad deal, if I do say so myself. _

He showed up the next night, much the same as before: walking up the driveway and shoving through the gates. This time, however, Rory wasn’t outside to greet him, so he decided to indulge in a little teen fantasy: he started throwing rocks at her window. He had only tossed two or three, however, when Rory scared the crap out of him by suddenly swinging the door open.

“What are you doing?” she laughed.

“I didn’t know if it was okay to ring or not,” Jess whispered, afraid that, any moment, Emily Gilmore would set the hounds loose on his ass.

“She’s not here,” Rory rolled her eyes. “She’s at bridge.”

“What? So I parked on the street and ninja-crawled my way up the driveway for nothing?”

“Afraid so.”

“So, where do you wanna go?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know the area that well.”

“You live here.”

“I know, but Hartford’s still a mystery. Even when I went to Chilton, I got right on the bus and headed home.”

“What a goody-goody.”

“Hey, I could be bad! One time, I kept a library book out two weeks overdue and then never paid the fine!”

“Watch out, everybody, we got a real Bonnie Parker over here.”

“Not everyone could be the prodigious gnome thief that you were.”

“Hey, I gave up the gnome-stealing game years ago.”

“The action got a little too hot for you?”

“Yeah, had to hang it all up before the feds caught up with me.”

Their playful banter was brought to a screeching halt when a Porsche pulled into the driveway, containing a pissed-off looking blonde guy.

“You double-book yourself, Gilmore?” he raised an eyebrow at her.

“Logan!” she exclaimed as the guy opened his door.

“Ah,  _ Logan _ .” he muttered under his breath. Rory elbowed him in the side.

“Am I interrupting something?” Logan was trying to come off casual and was failing miserably.  _ Why does Rory always date guys with insane-jealousy issues? _

“No, no, I just thought you were coming back tomorrow!” Rory had that panicky note in her voice.

“Thought I’d surprise you, Ace.”  _ Ugh, someone kill me now _ .

“Well, I’m glad you did, because you get to meet my old friend, Jess!” Rory was trying to put a positive spin on this, trying to diffuse the palpable tension. Jess decided to try and help her out.

“Hey, man, heard a lot about you.” He stuck his hand out, feeling like a total putz.

“Yeah, I think Rory’s mentioned you once or twice.” Logan ignored the proffered hand, instead sliding his arm around Rory’s waist.  _ You gotta be kidding me _ . Rory started babbling about being old and having old friends and golly, gee whiz, weren’t they grown up, etc, etc. Jess couldn’t help but smile, but Logan did not appear amused.

“We were just gonna go get a bite to eat,” Rory finished.

“How ‘bout we all go together, is that okay?” Logan still hadn’t taken his eyes off Jess.  _ Geez, it’s like Dean 2.0. _

“Alright by me,” Jess shrugged, still trying his hardest to keep the peace.

“Yeah, maybe you could suggest a place to go!” Rory was still smiling uneasily.

“Sure thing.”  _ Does he ever smile? This is really getting creepy _ . “Why don’t you follow us?” He addressed Jess, then steered Rory off towards his douche-mobile.

“Sounds good,” Jess sighed.  _ Timing. Why can I never get the timing right? _

They ended up at some basic college bar, Logan’s arm still super-glued around Rory’s shoulders. It wasn’t exactly how Jess had pictured his big reunion with Rory, that's for damn sure, but he tried to roll with the punches. He didn’t say anything when Logan ordered drink after drink, getting more belligerent with every glass of whiskey. He didn’t fire back any snarky comments to match Logan’s own. He could see the discomfort on Rory’s face and he didn’t want to add any fuel to the fire that Logan was eagerly fanning the flames of. 

Logan seemed almost possessed, manic, even. He was talking a mile a minute, dishing out dismissive comments and thinly-veiled barbs like it was his job. When Rory told him that she and Jess used to date, Jess saw his grip tighten on his glass, his knuckles white with restraint.  _ Jesus, she knows how to pick ‘em _ .

“So, what do you do, Jess?”

“This and that.”

“Describe the ‘this,’ describe the ‘that.’”

“He writes,” Rory interjected.

Of course, that opened up a whole new avenue of ridicule for this asshole. He made jabs about “the Great American Novel,” started listing authors that Jess had read in middle school and then, for the final blow, said “I’m not throwing you with these names, am I, Jess?” It was like adding insult to injury to gaping wound. Rory continued to try and repair the conversation, but it was no use.

“You should send me a copy,” Logan grinned mockingly. And Jess found he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Sure, where should I send it? The blonde dick at Yale?”

“Jess!” Rory said sternly, and it was all Jess could do not to yell “Are you kidding me? He says all this shit and you get mad at me for defending myself?” It was like they were revisiting their very worst years together. He couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed his jacket and walked out, shoving past her idiotic boyfriend and ignoring both of their entreaties for him to stay.  _ Maybe she isn’t worth it after all, _ he thought grimly.  _ Maybe it’s high time I give up on her. _

He was shrugging his jacket back on, trying to make a quick exit, when he heard her voice.

“Jess! Jess, wait, I’m sorry!”

“We shouldn’t have done this,” he burst out. “I mean, what was I thinking, asking you to hang out, like we’re friends and everything’s hunky-dory. I shoulda known this would happen, it always-”

“Jess, he’s just in a bad way lately-”

“He’s a jerk!” Rory’s mouth opened, but no words came out.  _ Well, she deserves the truth from someone _ .

“He was,” she finally got out. “In there, definitely, I’m so sorry.”

“I read that guy the  _ second _ I saw him, I shoulda begged off-”

“Look, he’s not always like that,” Rory was still making his apologies and it was breaking Jess’ heart. She deserved so much more than a drunken fool that she had to apologize for. That’s why  _ they _ weren’t together anymore, right? She had gotten tired of trying to explain away Jess’ rudeness? So why had she gone out and found an even worse version of himself? “He’s had a lot to drink and he’s tired from travel and-”

“What the hell is going on?” Jess burst out angrily.

“I told you, he’s tired and his family is insane and-”

“No, not with him, with you! What the hell is going on with you?”

“What do you mean?” Rory started to sound defensive.

“You know what I mean!” Jess was letting his anger take control, feeling the words slide off his tongue like honey. “I know you, I know you better than anyone, this isn’t you!”

“I don’t know.” Rory was getting angry, too.

“What are you doing? Living at your grandparents’ place, working at the DAR, no Yale?  _ Why _ did you drop out of  _ Yale _ ?” Everything he had wanted to scream at her through email or over the phone was pouring out and Jess had a feeling she would never want to see him again after all of this, but he was past the point of caring.

“It’s complicated!” Rory had that holier-than-thou tone that she had so often used with him and usually he deserved it, but not this time.

“It’s not! It’s not complicated!”

“You don’t know!”

“This isn’t you! This, you going out with this jerk with a Porsche! We made fun of guys like this! Hell, even Dean was better than this asshole!”

“You just caught him on a bad night!”

“Oh my God, this isn’t about him! Jesus, screw him! What’s going on with  _ you _ ?” Rory was silent, finally ceasing her defenses of Logan. “This isn’t you, Rory, you know it isn’t! What’s going on with you?”

She was still silent, staring at the ground. Jess cocked his head pointedly.  _ Wow, asshole-Jess is making a full comeback tonight, ladies and gentlemen _ . “I don’t know.” She finally said. It was like she was waking up from a dream. She pulled her jacket close, crossing her arms across her chest. “I don’t know.”

All of the fire went out of Jess. He could see how lost she was, how she was finally realizing how empty her life had become. He couldn’t yell anymore. He reached out, putting a hand on her arm.

“Rory, I know I’m the last person you should be taking advice from. I know I don’t have any right to come here and question your choices.” He took a deep breath. “But you need to decide if this is really what you want. If it is, that’s fine. I’ll buy some champagne and come to your next tea party.” Rory smiled at that, still staring at the ground. “But I’ve known you for awhile. I know what you’re capable of. You know how you said you knew I could always do something great?”

“Yeah.” Rory finally looked at him, her eyes filled with tears.

“Well, I know some things about you.” He squeezed her arm slightly. “And I know that you can do so much more than this. You  _ deserve _ more than this.” He gestured towards the bar’s doors. “And I’m not just talking about Logan McDouche-Face in there.”

Rory laughed, but the tears started to run down her face and Jess could hear the sob in her voice. So, he did the only thing that came naturally to him. He pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly as her shoulders started to shake, her sobs muffled in his jacket.

“Hey, you’re okay, kid.” he stroked her hair, hoping that Logan wouldn’t suddenly appear and deck him for making a move on his girlfriend. “You’re okay.”

“How do you know?” Rory pulled her face away, looking up at him awestruck. “How do you  _ always _ know?”

“Know what?” Jess anxiously ran a hand through his hair.

“You always know what to say to make me feel better, or to help me figure out my problems, or-or whatever mess I’ve gotten myself into,” Rory laughed, wiping her tear away messily. “I mean, my mom has been telling me to get my act together for months and I didn’t listen. You show up, yell at me for two minutes, and suddenly everything is clear.”

“I have a gift,” he shrugged.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna fix everything,” Rory was staring at the ground again, her mind working furiously. “I have to apologize to my mom, I have to call Yale, I have to-oh my God, I have so much to do!”

“Well, get on it, then.” Jess smiled. Rory looked up and she had that proud, shiny, happy-as-hell beam on her face and Jess thought his heart was gonna explode. She was everything to him, absolutely everything. Rory threw her arms around his neck, hugging him again. Jess closed his eyes, breathing her in, trying to cement it all in his mind.

“Jess,” Rory drew back. “Thank you. You really-I don’t know how-I mean, you just-”

“I know.” he smiled. “I figured it was time to pay you back for all the times you tried to save me.”

“We always end up saving each other, huh?”

“Just call me Superman.”

Jess ended up giving Rory a ride back to her grandparents’ house. She told him she needed to talk to her grandma before leaving, that she didn’t want to pull a Lorelai and just disappear. Jess could respect that. They were quiet in the car, listening to the mix CD that was in Jess’ stereo. Rory smiled when “Girl From Mars” came on. It had been one of their favorites.

“So, you’re gonna be okay?” Jess asked once they pulled up in front of the Gilmore house. “‘Cause I can be your backup. You know, in case your grandma tries to hold you hostage in there.”

“No, I think I can do this.” Her face hardened. “I  _ know _ I can do this.”

“Atta girl.” They both got out of the car, walking slowly towards the imposing front door. They stopped, both looking at each other nervously. Rory flung her arms around him again.

“Thank you,” she said again, her breath tickling his ear.

“Say it one more time, we’re almost at 1,000.”

“I’m serious!”

“I know.”

“Well, time to face the music.” she put her hand on the doorknob, steeling herself for the fight to come.

“You got this, Gilmore.”

“I’ll tell you how it goes,” she smiled at him.

“Looking forward to it.” he gave her a two-finger salute and walked down the driveway back to his car.

Rory called him a few days later. She was home in Stars Hollow, sitting on her front porch. She and her mom had made up, she had re-enrolled at Yale and, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, she had dumped Logan. Jess tried not to let out a celebratory “whoop” when she told him that particular piece of news, but restraint had never been his strong suit. As he heard her giggle into the phone, he felt….proud. It was a new feeling, this whole “I’m proud of myself and my actions” thing. But he had done it. He had fixed Rory the way she had fixed him a million times before.  _ Maybe there’s some hope for me after all _ . 


	13. Jess Mariano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I LOVED writing this chapter! Thanks to everyone who has left comments; they mean a lot! I hope you all enjoy :)

_ Jess Mariano _

 

Rory’s life was back on track. She almost didn’t believe it herself, but here she was, back at Yale, living with Paris, and calling her mom daily. Everything was back to how it should be. Sure, it had been hard to shake Logan, but Rory knew that, in the end, it was the right thing to do. Their relationship had been static, flat-lining in a whirlwind of parties and double-dog dares and oceans of champagne. Rory had helped Logan grow up a bit, but all he did was drag her down. She broke up with him the day after the disastrous dinner with Jess. Rory had always had some issues with the way Logan talked to people that he felt were beneath him, but it all came to a head when she heard him making jokes about Jess, someone she had always respected and looked up to. And Jess hadn’t dropped to his level. Well, not ‘til the very end. The whole picture was brought into sharp relief for Rory and, instead of the fun-loving, crazy guy that she had thought she loved, she saw an angry, entitled man who thought the world owed him anything he desired. It wasn’t what she wanted, so she ended it. 

The resulting breakup had been messy in that Logan didn’t want to let her go, while Rory was ready to freefall towards the future she had always dreamt of having. He begged for forgiveness, said he’d get his dad to publish any other books Jess was thinking of writing, that Rory could move in with him, etc, etc. Pathetic. As if a bribe was gonna get Rory Gilmore to cave. The offer to publish Jess’ books had made her pause (she planned on getting that in writing and then never speaking to Logan again), but she knew that Jess would never accept anything that had Logan’s fingerprints on it. He was proud that way, strong enough to stand for what he believed in and never accept anything that smacked of insincerity.

She had finally shaken Logan off and was enjoying her life. Moving back in with Paris had been a readjustment, her relationship with her grandparents was a little frostier than she’d like, but things were good. She and her mom were two peas in a pod again and she had Jess to thank for all of it.

Jess’ emails were still consistent, his calls still coming in weekly. He told her about the publishing house, about his battles with independent bookstore owners to stock his book, and about his hesitant forays into writing another. They were friends again, real friends, in a way that they hadn’t been in awhile. Everything was back on track and Rory spent her days immersed in classes and homework and newspaper meetings and heated discussions with Paris; just how she liked it.

“But don’t you think that was the point? To shock the readers?”

“Sure, but he could’ve done it in a classier way.”

“Paris, who’s classier than Charles Dickens?”

“Ever heard of Tolstoy?”

“Tolstoy wrote for the masses, too!”

Another day, another senseless but entertaining battle with Paris. She and Rory were currently walking back to their apartment from a study session at the library. Rory had been talking about how she wanted to write about Dickens for her Literary Analysis class, Paris had freaked and, well, here they were.

“You’re too idealistic,” Paris rolled her eyes, wrenching open the heavy doors of their apartment building. “You think every author was heaven-sent to give us all messages of peace, love, and hope.”

“Okay, Nicholas Sparks was not heaven-sent!”

“You know what I mean.”

“I give up,” Rory threw her hands up, heading over to the wall of mailboxes in the lobby. She opened their, grabbing the bundle of mail blindly. “I mean, here I am, taking a whole bunch of literary courses, but yeah, sure, Paris, you definitely know more than me!”

“Take a chill pill-”

“That’s rich, coming from you.”

“-all I’m saying is, Dickens is not the high-class guy you think he is.”

“Whatever. Chinese for dinner?”

“I was thinking Italian.”

“Ooh, even better!”

They continued up the stairs, the argument already forgotten. That was just kind of how their friendship worked. It had lasted this long; Rory knew not to mess with a good thing.

“Anything good come?” Paris gestured towards the pile of envelopes in Rory’s hands.

“Uh, let me see….” Rory started to flick through. “Bill, bill, junk mail, bill, letter from your grandma, letter from  _ my _ grandma, and….” She trailed off, concentrating on the shiny purple brochure that was in her hands.

“What is that?” Paris read over Rory’s shoulder. “Truncheon Books? What, have you read so many books the publishing houses are after you now?” Paris hadn’t seemed to notice the words written in thick, black marker: Jess Mariano. As if Rory wouldn’t know exactly who had sent this to her. Jess was a real dummy sometimes.

She slipped her finger under the sticker holding it closed, ripping it and opening the brochure. Paris was wrapped up in undoing all of their many locks, not noticing the glee on Rory’s face.

“Well, what is it?” she finally snapped. She had shoved the door open and was standing in the doorway, waiting for Rory to follow her inside.

“It’s from Jess,” Rory looked up at her, smiling. She went inside, dropping quickly onto the couch. “Do you remember him?”

“Messy hair, snarky comments, Kerouac fanboy?”

“That’s the one.”

“So what’d he send?”

“He’s working at a publishing house and this is an invitation to an open house they’re doing.” Rory shook her head, still studying the flyer. “He never mentioned this in his emails or calls. Why does he never mention these things?”

“Are you going?” Paris was pouring herself a glass of orange juice. She drank one every day at exactly 1:07 pm: something about how it was good to keep you body on track and orange juice being a superfood, or something.  

“Of course! I’ve heard so much about Truncheon, I can’t wait to see it!” Rory peered closer at the information. “Oh, geez, it’s today.”

“He’s all about planning ahead, this one.” Paris said dryly.

“Okay, I’ve got,” Rory checked her watch. “6 hours. Take a shower, change, hit the road, I should be there by…..”

“7:30 ish.” Paris finished for her. “That is, if the traffic isn’t a total nightmare or anything.”

“I can do this!” Rory was already racing to the bathroom. I _ ’m not missing this, not for all the money in the world _ . She managed to get ready and out the door in good time, aided by Paris yelling the time to her in 15-minute intervals.

The drive to Philadelphia was nice, but Rory was filled with nervous anticipation. She was excited to see what Jess had built for himself, sure, but she was also curious to see what would happen between them. Last time, Logan’s presence had put a damper on any crazy ideas the two of them might have put into action, but now? There was nothing in the way.  _ Unless…..Jess would’ve told me if he was dating someone, right? _ Rory chewed her lip anxiously. But she decided to shove those thoughts away, concentrating instead on what Truncheon would be like.

She arrived at Truncheon at 7:36, just as Paris had predicted. The event was already in full swing, a young guy with dreadlocks reading poetry to a rapt audience. Rory shoved her hands in her pockets, looking around and taking it all in. Truncheon was housed in an old brownstone and the interior matched the classic look of the outside. The walls were made of dark wood, lined with shelves and abstract paintings. There were a lot more people there than Rory had expected: looking at the art, picking up books, talking quietly. She didn’t see Jess anywhere.

“I don’t know what she’s gonna write.”

“You’re not supposed to know what she’s gonna write, she’s a member of the independent press.” Rory recognized Jess’ exasperated tone, but couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from.

“But she played it so close to the vest, you know? I hate that.” Rory’s eyes lit on two guys who had just walked down the stairs, one in an ill-fitting sweater, the other a dark blazer. The hair was a lot neater than she had ever seen it, but it had to be Jess.

“Go get a beer, stop obsessing,” she heard Jess say to the other guy and then he turned around. God, it was crazy how he never changed. Sure, his hair was slicked down and he was wearing a blazer, but he was wearing some artsy t-shirt underneath it, and he still had that devil-may-care look in his eyes. His eyes met hers and it was like a key fitting into a lock. Jess had been always been as familiar to her as the back of her own hand and, every time they saw each other, it was like two halves of a whole being reunited.

“Well,” he smiled, rocking back on his heels. “Isn’t this a day of surprises?”

“I didn’t RSVP, sorry.” Rory smiled sheepishly.

“Nah, this isn’t an RSVP-type thing. Showing up is cool.” Jess winked.

“Wow, I’m finally one of the cool kids. Just hand me a cigarette and a leather jacket.”

“Yeah, yeah, very funny.”

“So, this is Truncheon Books.”

“Yeah, this is Truncheon.” Rory saw the spark of pride in Jess’ eyes. It was crazy to think how far he’d come from their Stars Hollow days.

“I like it,” Rory nodded. “It makes me feel like I instantly wanna create something. Gimme a pen, gimme a brush!” Her eyes scanned the crowd and lit on something odd. “Luke.”

“Yeah, there’s definitely a ‘Jess Mariano, this is your life’ kinda vibe going on here.”

Rory and Luke started talking, Jess ducking out to grab something for Luke. It was a little strange because Luke had April with him. As in, the April that was his daughter, the daughter he had kept from Lorelai for way too long. He gave an awkward introduction, but it was Luke: it was the best he could do. Jess reappeared and dragged Luke away, leaving Rory and April to smile awkwardly at each other. Rory stepped closer to the guys, hoping to overhear their conversation.

“Here.” That was Jess, short and not-so-sweet. He had handed Luke a copy of The Subsect.

“Oh, let me buy this,” Luke said earnestly. “That way you can get the money.”

“Eh, that’s okay.”

Luke pulled a piece of paper out of the book. “What’s this?” His tone had taken on a note of disapproval and Rory craned her neck, trying to see what Jess had done this time.  _ Is that a check? _

“It’s what’s owed,” Jess shoved his hands in his pockets.

“You owe me nothing.”

“I owe you,” Jess put his hand over his uncle’s. “Take it. And if you rip it up, I’m just gonna send another.” Rory felt like she was gonna cry. Jess had told her a few times how much it had meant to him that Luke had taken him in the way he did, no questions asked. Sure, Jess hadn’t appreciated it then, but he did now. Luke sighed, but smiled at Jess.

“I’m very proud of you, of this, of….what you’re going for. I don’t get all of it, but I’m me.”

Jess chuckled and then…. _ oh my God, they’re hugging! _ Rory never thought she’d see the day!  _ I’m gonna cry, oh my God. I have to tell Mom about this! _ They joined Rory and April, who was now talking a mile a minute about some boy in her class, and then Luke and April were gone, leaving Rory and Jess staring at each other apprehensively.

“So, you here alone?” Jess raised an eyebrow.  

“Now, how could I be alone when I’ve got you?” Rory grinned, looping an arm through Jess’. “Come on, give me the grand tour.”

“You never change, do you, Gilmore?”

“Why would I want to?”

They walked around the whole building, Jess showing off the work they were doing, obviously proud. He even showed her upstairs, where he and the guys lived. It was gross and totally what you’d expect from three guys living together, but Rory smiled when she saw Jess’ room. He lived on the top floor (“Basically the attic,” he’d explained) and his room, as expected, was full of books. What Rory liked best, though, was the corkboard he had over his desk. There were concert tickets and programs for book readings pinned to it, but there were also photos. There was one of him and Luke that she remembered her mom forcing them to take. They were standing behind the counter of the diner, Luke’s arms crossed, Jess leaning his elbows on the counter. Surprisingly, they were both smiling. Rory seemed to remember her mom telling them some story about her running around naked in a Costco when she was 3. Luke was laughing at the story, Jess was smiling at Rory’s outraged reaction. There was a picture of Jess and his mom at the wedding; Liz with teary eyes and a huge smile, Jess looking trapped, a thin-lipped smile on his face. The last picture was also from Liz’s wedding. It was of Rory and Jess. Kirk (the official wedding photographer) must have taken it. She and Jess were dancing, Rory’s mouth wide open in laughter, Jess smiling down at her.  _ What a good night. A perfect night _ .

“You done snooping?” Rory turned back to Jess, who was leaning against the doorframe, smirking at her.

“Just looking around.”

“Sure you’re not casing the joint?”

“You caught me; I’m gonna come back here tonight and steal all of your second-hand books and outdated band t-shirts.”

“Hey, those are valuable.”

“Whatever you say, Mariano.”

They went back downstairs and attempted to pay attention to the rest of the poetry readers, but Rory had never been much for experimental poetry and, much as Jess professed to be cool and hip, he wasn’t really into it, either. They both had to smother their giggles when an over eager poet read the line “I have no one to take on a Valentine’s date/all I want is to buy a nice girl a nice steak.”  

“You seriously need to start reading these people’s poems before you let them in here,” Rory whispered.

“Duly noted.” Jess snorted.

As the evening wound down and everyone started to go home, Jess excused himself to go talk over the night with his partners. Rory was happy enough to curl up in the corner with a copy of  _ The Subsect _ and reread it. She was half-listening to the conversation that Jess was having with Matt and Chris; they would fit right into the Stars Hollow madness.

“All I’m saying is, control your poet.” Chris narrowed his eyes at Matt.

“Oh, suddenly he’s  _ my _ poet.” Matt scoffed.

“He changed up on us,” Jess interjected, the voice of reason. “He wasn’t supposed to premier new material tonight.”

“It wasn’t bad.” Matt said defensively. In reply, Jess just groaned.

“It was rambly,” Chris argued. “And what was with that part about desiring Golda Meir?”

“Please, tell me that was symbolic!” Jess pressed his hands together in mock-prayer. Chris bit his lip.

“I’ll talk to my poet.”

As he wandered off to go admonish the wayward poet, Rory heard Matt say, “Hey, we’re hitting that bar we’re  _ not _ calling Cedar Bar Redux. You coming?”

Rory didn’t hear Jess’ reply, but she figured he was about to swagger over and either invite her out for a night of drinking with the boys, or he was gonna kindly kick her out.

“You know, you don’t have to read it again.” Rory looked up to see Jess dragging a stool over to sit next to her.  _ Guess we’re not boozing it up with the bros tonight _ .

“I know I don’t,” she laughed. “But there’s just something so compelling about that character….oh, what’s her name? Piper? The charming, literary-loving romantic interest?”

“Oh, God.”

“Yeah, Mom thought you did a pretty good job nailing down my dialogue.”

“Lorelai read it?” Jess had his head in his hands at this point, groaning every word.

“Just the parts where I needed confirmation that that was, in fact, me.” Rory giggled. “I mean, it’s flattering! Being immortalized in a piece of literature has always been a dream of mine.”

“They always say write what you know.” Jess was rolling his eyes. “Why did I listen to them?”

“It’s good!”

“God, there are  _ so _ many things I would change!”

“Like what?”

“I’d….keep the back cover, get rid of everything else.”

“You know why I love your book?” Rory made sure he met her eyes. She wanted him to know that she meant what she was saying. “It doesn’t remind me of anything. It’s not a rip-off; it’s just you.”

“High praise, Miss Yale Editor” Jess playfully nudged her knee and it was like an electric shock went through her. They had always kept their physical touch to a minimum, only indulging in elbows to the side, kicking shins under tables, and the occasional so-tight-you-can’t-breathe hugs.

“I don’t get to write as much as I would like,” Rory looked away, feeling herself start to ramble. “I’m mostly assigning and motivating and….handholding and editing-”

“And you love it.” Jess finished. “I read your emails, I know you do.”

“I do.” she nodded. “I do love it, it’s….exciting.”

“Yeah, you look happier than when I saw you last.” Rory wasn’t surprised he had brought the topic up; Jess had never been one to shy away from a sensitive subject.

“I am, thanks to you,” Rory smiled, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“Oh, you woulda figured it out eventually,” Jess shrugged. “I just got your ass in gear.”

“Wow, it’s true what they say: writers are  _ way _ more eloquent than us mere mortals.”

“I’ve decided not to let the fame change me,” Jess chuckled. His face grew serious, his dark eyes shining. It took Rory’s breath away.  _ He _ took Rory’s breath away. Here they were, years and miles from where they’d started, but still together. Maybe now they could finally get it right. “I’m really glad you’re here.” Jess said quietly, eyes locked on hers.

“Yeah,” she breathed out, her heart beating so fast and so loud that she was sure Jess could hear it. “Me, too.”

And suddenly, he was kissing her. She was kissing him. His hands were on her thighs, her hands were running through his hair, and it all felt incredibly, inexplicably  _ right _ . Rory felt like her heart was exploding, like every broken piece she had ever had was flying back together. She was  _ whole _ with Jess, the complete version of the best person she could be. Just as Rory was letting go of her thoughts and surrendering completely to her instincts, Jess pulled back.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-Oh geez, I messed up. I’m sorry, Rory.” Jess ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up; he looked 17 again. He had a wild look in his eyes and Rory was suddenly afraid.

“What? What is it?” She felt her stomach drop. “Are you-are you dating someone?”

“What?” Jess finally looked at her, his face a mask of incredulity. “Am I dating someone? God, no. Are you?”

“No!” Rory wrinkled her nose. “Why are you freaking out?”

“Because-because-” he sputtered. “Because we’re supposed to be friends!”

“We are friends!”

“Oh, so you and Paris make out all the time?”

“Okay, that was one time!”

“That’s not-wait, what?” His eyes widened. “Okay, we’re definitely coming back to that later.”

“I don’t understand why you’re freaking out like this!”

“I ruined everything  _ again _ ,” Jess was muttering to himself. “Never learn, do I?”

“Jess!” Rory yelled, trying to snap him out of this weird spiral he had gone into. He looked up sharply. She grabbed his hands, looking straight into his eyes. “You didn’t ruin anything. I  _ like _ you, okay?”

“You like me?”

“Probably more than like, but I don’t think we should be flinging around declarations of love this early in the evening.”

“Love?”

“Is your brain broken?” Rory shook his shoulders gently. “Are you short-circuiting? Should I turn you off and then back on again? ‘Cause I’m not-”

She was cut off by Jess kissing her again. It was just as breathtakingly perfect as the first time. And, once again, Jess broke it off too soon.

“Are you gonna keep doing that or-”

“Rory,” he said seriously. Rory knew enough to shut her piehole. “Not to sound like an insane stalker, or like Luke, but….I’ve been waiting for you for years. Hell, you knew that. But it was never right; our timing was always off or some shit like that. And I know this is the first time we’ve kissed in, like, years, and we haven’t had a real, grown-up relationship, but….” he trailed off, cupping her face in his hand. “I’m ready. You can count on me now.”

“I know that,” she smiled softly. “I’ve known it for a long time now. You have always been there for me, always steered me in the right direction. You have never given up on me or left me behind. I’m….” she searched for the right phrase. “I’m better with you. I’m a better me.”

“Ditto.” One side of Jess’ mouth had quirked up into a lopsided smile.

“So, I’m ready, too.” Rory put her hand on Jess’ leg, wanting to be closer to him, to really impress her words upon him. “I want this.”

“You sure, Gilmore?” Jess’ eyes were sparkling mischievously. “‘Cause I’ve still got quite a few years left of rebellion and roughhousing left in me. Things could get messy.”

“I’ve never been more sure in my life.” Rory’s smile was so big it almost hurt her face, but she couldn’t help it. After so many years of running away from the person she thought would hurt her the most, she was finally discovering home in his arms.


	14. I'll be home by 4! Remember to pack; we're leaving at 4:30 :)

_ I’ll be home by 4! Remember to pack; we’re leaving at 4:30 :) _

 

Something was weird; Jess was too sleepy to put his finger on what it was, but it was weird. He had just barely woken up, groggily sweeping his arm to the other side of the bed and finding it empty.  _ She must’ve gone already _ . He finally squinted his eyes open and was met with….yellow.  _ Yellow? _ Jess brought his hand up to his forehead and peeled a Post-It note off of his forehead.  _ Would it kill her to just text me like a normal person? _ He wanted to be grouchy about it, but he couldn’t help but smile. 

_ Didn’t want to wake you up! I’m going into the office, then running some errands for this weekend. I’ll be home by 4! Remember to pack; we’re leaving at 4:30 :) _

It had been two years since the Truncheon open house. Two years since Rory had walked through the door and back into Jess’ life for good. After the whole, sappy, “I’m-ready-for-this-are-you-ready-for-this-okay-great” conversation, they had wasted no time in starting a life together. Sure, Rory had had to finish school, but Yale wasn’t that far from Philadelphia (“175.8 miles.” “You looked it up?” “I looked it up.”) and they made it work. Jess had never been prouder than when he watched Rory graduate. She had caught his eye from the stage, winking and sticking out her tongue. He’d known her for almost 6 years now, but he still found himself falling in love with her all over again every day.

After graduation, Rory got a job with The Village Voice. Not the hard-hitting journalism she had planned on, but a job was a job, and it wasn’t like The Village Voice was something to scoff at.

“At least New York is closer to Philly,” Rory had sighed, her head on Jess’ chest. He was lazily playing with her hair, wrapping a lock around his finger. “I just wish we could be in the same place at the same time.”

“Well,” Jess said slowly, excited to share the news he had been sitting on for a few weeks. He hadn’t wanted to sway Rory’s job choice; he wanted her to be where she wanted to, and she had chosen New York. Luckily, that fit in with his plans rather nicely. “What would you say if I told you that was entirely within the realm of possibility?”

“Oh, Jess, I couldn’t ask you to move!” Rory’s head had shot up, her blue eyes full of guilt. “You have a job and a life here and-”

“Last month, me and the guys decided we want to open a New York branch,” Jess grinned. “We’re leaving this place to the new guys; Matt and Chris are moving to the city and I was thinking, if it’s alright with you, that I join them.”

“You knew all this for a month and didn’t tell me?” Rory smacked his shoulder.

“I didn’t want you to feel forced to pick a job in New York.”

Rory leaned over and kissed him softly. “I love you,” she whispered. A thrill went up Jess’ spine. Sure, she’d said it before (the first time: he had come up to visit her spring of her junior year, gotten in a heated debate with Paris over which Austen work was better,  _ Emma _ or  _ Northanger Abbey _ , and won. Rory had thrown her arms around him, kissed him enthusiastically, and laughed, “Oh my  _ God _ , I love you”)

They had moved to New York that summer, into an apartment in the East Village with big windows and a sink that was constantly leaking. Rory loved her job, Jess was happy at Truncheon, and here they were, two years later. Sometimes, Jess found himself ruminating on their love affair, going back over the steps that had led them to the happy life they had now. He never thought he’d have this, never thought he’d have  _ her _ .

He rolled over and glanced at the clock. 9:22. He didn’t have to be at Truncheon until 10:30; perks of being your own boss and all that. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand, flipping it open and dialing Rory’s number.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty!”

“Hey, I’m a brooding writer, we’re supposed to be practically nocturnal. You’re lucky you get any daylight hours out of me,” he grumbled.

“You better perk up; Lorelai will not accept a succinct houseguest, especially now that she knows you’re capable of complete sentences.”

“You wound me!”

“Good,” Jess smiled at Rory’s giggle. “You get my note?”

“How could I miss it?”

“So you’ll be ready to leave at 4:30? Mom said Luke was making dinner and we had to be there by 8 or else it’ll be too gooey or….something.”

“You know, for a journalist, your conversational recall is sadly lacking.”

“Jess!”

“Yes, I’ll be ready to go,” he rolled his eyes, sitting up and swinging his feet onto the floor. “Can’t let that dinner get gooey, now can we?”

“See you at 4, love you!”

“Yeah, yeah, love you, too.”

They both hung up, leaving Jess to get up and get the day started. He and Rory were both kicking off from work early to head up to Stars Hollow for the weekend, which meant he had to toss his stuff in his duffle (a new one, with leather straps, that Lorelai and Luke had given him last Christmas) and figure out which manuscripts he was taking to proof while he was “on vacation.”

Even though he had never really liked the place and never felt any particular draw to return, aside from seeing Luke, being with Rory meant plenty of trips back to Stars Hollow. He never tried to fight her on it, but she had sensed his initial discomfort.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking: why should we go to Stars Hollow for the weekend?” Rory was pacing nervously in front of the couch, Jess watching with an amused grin on his face.

“Well, they say authors need angst in order to write; maybe I’ll murder Taylor and churn out my next darkly-dramatic novel from behind bars.”

“I know you don’t have a lot of happy memories in Stars Hollow-”

“I can think of a few,” he had grinned, tugging Rory into his lap and kissing her slowly. She closed her eyes and went along with it, but quickly jerked away.

“Jess, let me get through this, okay?” She ran hand through her hair. “I know Stars Hollow isn’t full of fond memories for you to look back on, but maybe we could change that. I mean, now that we’re grown up and you’re not, you know-”

“A hoodlum?”

“-we can make some new memories! Some good ones!” Rory said earnestly. “My mom even likes you now! It’ll be good, you’ll see!”

Loathe as he was to admit it, Rory was right; Stars Hollow was not the hell he had remembered it as. Maybe it was because the townspeople didn’t look at him disdainfully, now that he was a twice-published author (his second book,  _ Disillusionment _ , had come out last year), a respected publisher, and a reformed ne’er-do-well. Maybe it was because the anger that had blinded him through much of his adolescence was gone, leaving him to see things for how they really were. Sure, the people were still kooky and the town was still puke-inducingly perfect, but there were times when he thought it could be, dare he say it,  _ nice _ . It could have been either of these reasons, but Jess chalked it up to the fact that now he had Rory’s hand in his, tugging him around the next corner and towards the future. And she was right: they did make some more good Stars Hollow memories for him. Hell, pretty much every good Stars Hollow memory he had starred Rory Gilmore. But now he looked back fondly at town festivals and family picnics and summer days swimming at the lake. He kinda got what Rory and Lorelai saw in the place.

Jess headed to the kitchen, where he’d left his work papers on the counter. Grabbing the “must finish by next week or face Matt’s eternal wrath” pile and shoving it into his messenger bag, Jess shook his head in disbelief. He still had trouble digesting that this was really his life: steady job, roof over his head, love of his life by his side, and plenty of reading material. He finished stuffing his bag full of work and stuck his hand in the inside pocket, feeling around for the little box he’d placed there last week.  _ Still there _ .

Rory had wanted him to make some good memories in Stars Hollow and Jess figured proposing on their bridge was the best one he could think of.

_ She’s gonna be so surprised _ , Jess smiled wryly as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

A crazy family, a home to go back to, and the girl he had loved since forever; yep, this was his life now.  _ It doesn’t get any better than this _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Thank you to everyone who read this fic! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed giving Rory and Jess the happy ending they deserved! I'll probably be writing another Literati fic sometime soon, so keep an eye out for that! Thanks again for reading :)


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